Go Ahead and Tase Him, Bro

Did he deserve it, or was it excessive force? That's been the big question for the past 24 hours or so, with the explosion of the story of a kid running onto the field at Citizens Bank Park during Monday night's Phillies/Cardinals game and proceeding to be given a torso full of taser by the cops. Media outlets of all shapes, sizes, locations, affiliations, and genres have since run with this issue in one way or another. Naturally, it is our obligation to weigh in while this story is apparently such a hot-button issue (or at least before the news cycle renders it an afterthought, likely by week's end).

The jackass deserved it. I don't want to hear crying from him, from his friends, his mom, the ACLU, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or whoever the hell else has an opinion. I don't want to hear it. It is made abundantly clear from the time you're about 4 years old that you don't belong out on the field during a game, and if you're stupid enough to run out there, then you have it coming to you. Above all else, there is a practical issue here, a matter of safety. Players, coaches, and officials stand out on the field in front of thousands of (possibly inebriated) spectators. To say they're somewhat exposed and/or vulnerable is not a stretch. Don't believe me? In recent years there have been not one, but two incidents of fans leaving the stands and attacking on-field participants, not to mention the famous Rick Monday incident in 1976. I don't care if everyone says this 17-year-old douche in Philly last night was just a harmless class clown. I'm sure that's all he is. But there's no way of knowing that when he comes charging out of his seat and darting around the outfield, resisting the apprehension of the cops.

There's more to it than the "protect the players, coaches, and umps from lunatics" angle. What gets me so riled up when someone pulls a such a stunt is that they refuse to understand it's not about them. There were nearly 45,000 people in the stadium that night, and they paid to see a game between arguably the two best teams in the National League, not to see a skinny kid with a gigantic nose run around. Sure, we all laugh and cheer if we're at a game and an idiot runs onto the field, but at least with me I get enjoyment out of seeing the guy get caught. Just like the "Don't tase me, bro!" moron that gained national fame a few years ago, anyone who runs out onto the field like that is trying to make themselves the spectacle instead of just minding their business and being a spectator. You want to be a spectacle? Then make a nice catch of a foul ball, or something, anything else that doesn't interfere with the game.

So, until next time, don't cry police brutality on this one. It's not like this guy was an innocent bystander that got the voltage from some asshole cop on a power trip, nor did they keep tasing the kid until his heart stopped. Once he was down, that was the end of it. He made the decision to run out onto the field, so let the consequences be what they may.

Small Talk

Engaging in polite meaningless obligatory conversation is something we all have to partake in. There is no way around it. You have to try to appear genuine and interested. You can't be like the people Ted Stryker tells his story to in Airplane. Many a small talk exchanges may cause you to want to stab yourself in the way of the samurai, but doing so is simply uncouthe. I am personally working on improving bringing more to my meaningless conversations. Having the ability to effectively carry meaningless conversation can get you far in life. The following are some pitfalls that need to be avoided.

1.) Talking about college. "So where did you go to school"? This subject leaves you nowhere to go after about 30 seconds. Try to avoid this at all costs, or at least save it for much later in the conversation, if the conversation does indeed progress that far. If the person went to a college located in an undesirable urban area, the typical shmuck response is "Oh man don't walk around there at night", "Don't venture too far in the wrong direction from campus",or "rough area".

If the school is obviously a second rate institution, don't counter with "Oh that's a great school". Avoid that response because it's obvious what is running through your mind. "Wow what a shitty half ass school that is. What kind of nitwit have I gotten stuck in conversation with? They clearly didn't have the grades to get into XYZ University. Now I need to make sure I don't speak in terms too advanced for this numbnuts. How can I dumb this conversation down"? Try asking them if they liked it there and so on. The same goes for if they say they went to Harvard or Princeton. Don't act overly impressed, they've heard all the generic "wow" responses.

2.) Do you know...? "Oh you live in Wherever, wow do you know Jimmy Whatshisface"? I hate this game. You have nothing better to say than to discuss people who have a marginal role in your life? It isn't interesting that we have a mutual acquaintance. Yet, people react like it's some astronomically unlikely phenomena. Come on. I realize the "do you know" (DYK) game is often unavoidable, but try to contain it. It's particularly irritating when people get overly excited (excessive excitement is always a bad thing) about a mutual acquaintance. Suppose you can't stand that third party? The mutual acquaintances will surface somehow later. If the DYK question is presented, you need to seriously question where the conversation is going, and take evasive action. Bring something to the table.

3.) Talking about how beautiful California, Florida, or whatever warm climate locale is. Women are particularly guilty of this, as they have an odd obsession with the beach (MUCH more on this another day). "Oh my god I loooove Key West. It's soooo beautiful and the people are so nice and laid back. The sand is perfect. I went there for spring break and seriously laid on the beach like 18 hours each day. Life is so much slower. I want to move there one day". I fucking got the memo. It's warm in Florida, the sand is nice, the water is blue and it's warm when it's cold in the northeast. Got it. Thank you for clearing that up for me, because I wasn't sure. I get it now. The only thing worse than talking about the weather is talking about the weather of a place you don't live.

4.) Talking about the economy/politics/shit people actually know nothing about. This is usually linked to the college discussion and how the soon-to-be or recent graduate has very little chance of quality employment. Boo fucking hoo (I used to edit out word "fuck" using asterisks like so: f***. I'm done with that). "This job market is terrible, might as well stay in school teeheeheeheehee". "We're never getting out of the middle east". "The price of gasoline is high because George W. Bush got C's at Yale". "It looks like a nasty high pressure system might be bringing in some snow". Everyone is an expert in their own mind.

5.) Talking to people you are merely acquainted with, only see every so often, or maybe you haven't seen in years. This is serious. You're at a local bar, reunion, or whatever and now you're caught in a painful predicament. It starts with eye contact. Neither one of you really acknowledges the other initially. Right away you play the conversation through in your head. If you're lucky you can evade that person all night. However, not always the case. You get careless, lose track of that person, let your guard down, and on the way to the bathroom you bump into that person. Close Encounter of the Vague Acquaintance Kind. Typically, the reason you haven't seen this person is because you really don't care to see the person. If you did, you would see them more often, and have topics of substance to discuss. These conversations typically occur with people you went to school with at some point, former coworkers, etc. "What are you doing now? Oh hows that going? Where are you living? Oh cool.....".