BY JOHN I
Things Grown Men Should Not Do
To each his own...to an extent. People have the right to express themselves, but there is a fine line between self-expression and self-embarassment. I have arrived at a list of things that grown men should simply not do. Typically, people hold on to the past. Let go. For your own good, live in the the now. Without further ado, things grown men should not do:
1. Grow a ponytail. Give me something to be sick in. A ponytail is a feminized mullet. Are these guys for real? Their ponytail agenda varies with their age bracket. The age 18-23 bracket ponytailers are either total slobs, raging liberals, or both. Usually both, actually. Ponytailers age 24-30 rock the ponytail because someone told them it was cool while they were in college, or working at Barnes and Noble. However, they fail to realize they have outgrown the "oh he's young" excuse for having a ponytail. Guys between age 30-40 who have a ponytail are quite lost. They are unable to come to grips with the fact that their 20's are no more. You hair will not serve your mojo, as Samson's hair served his strength. They could also be some sort of organized crime hitman type that has a greasy ponytail coupled with a $5000 Armani suit, and a home decorated in zebra patterns. Guys with ponytails past age 50 are either complete slobs, or in complete denial of their age.
1. Grow a ponytail. Give me something to be sick in. A ponytail is a feminized mullet. Are these guys for real? Their ponytail agenda varies with their age bracket. The age 18-23 bracket ponytailers are either total slobs, raging liberals, or both. Usually both, actually. Ponytailers age 24-30 rock the ponytail because someone told them it was cool while they were in college, or working at Barnes and Noble. However, they fail to realize they have outgrown the "oh he's young" excuse for having a ponytail. Guys between age 30-40 who have a ponytail are quite lost. They are unable to come to grips with the fact that their 20's are no more. You hair will not serve your mojo, as Samson's hair served his strength. They could also be some sort of organized crime hitman type that has a greasy ponytail coupled with a $5000 Armani suit, and a home decorated in zebra patterns. Guys with ponytails past age 50 are either complete slobs, or in complete denial of their age.2. Earrings. Unless you're a pro athlete, musician, or someone who doesn't need to impress anyone with a professional appearance, do not get your ears pierced. I am not talking about guys with 37 piercings on their ears and throughout their face, they waived bye-bye to respect long ago. The individuals I am referring to are grown men who get a stud or some sort of rock on their ear. They think having that earring makes them stand out as rebellious, outgoing, cool big shots. Roughly 99.99% of grown men who get their ears pierced are kidding themselves. They get some ridiculous diamond or CZ bling on each ear under the notion they're millionaire celebrities. In reality, this is far from the truth. Often times, the guy is an insecure nitwit trying to put on a big shot cool guy facade. Younger guys who get their ears pierced don't care what you think, and get their ears pierced to let you know it. They want you to know they can go to a movie on a school night, **snap**, like that. Also, it's another case of the white man ripping off the black man's style. Most white guys don't have the charisma or soul to pull off a diamond stud. It's the truth. The fact is, black people are much cooler than white people. Let's be honest, virtually all grown men who have no business wearing earrings are desperate old white guys.
3. 
Wearing graphic tees. I never bought into the graphic tee phenomenon. I don't get how a grown man could walk around in Ed Hardy or Couture graphic clothing. Mostly, it's excessively macho types with a hell of a lot to prove. It's tattooed clothing. The graphic clothing I find most irritating is the kind covered in glittery sequens and shiny designs. If this stuff were made for jogging at night it would be perfect because a cars headlights would reflect off me as if I were a tinsel christmas tree with legs. Would I wear it in public? No. Look at this piece of tacky shit on the left. It screams "I'm an insecure asshole, and I hope you find the intricate designs on my graphic tee intriguing, which will lead to you thinking I am the man because I spent 80 dollars of my hard earned money working as a bouncer because I think I can be an ultimate fighter like Randy Couture. Without this shirt, I'm just some meathead shmuck on wheels with anger issues. I hope you hate your parents and are looking for a guy with no future to piss them off.". This look is often coupled with a nice chin strap and memorial forearm tattoos for friends who died racing their suped up Honda Civics.
Wearing graphic tees. I never bought into the graphic tee phenomenon. I don't get how a grown man could walk around in Ed Hardy or Couture graphic clothing. Mostly, it's excessively macho types with a hell of a lot to prove. It's tattooed clothing. The graphic clothing I find most irritating is the kind covered in glittery sequens and shiny designs. If this stuff were made for jogging at night it would be perfect because a cars headlights would reflect off me as if I were a tinsel christmas tree with legs. Would I wear it in public? No. Look at this piece of tacky shit on the left. It screams "I'm an insecure asshole, and I hope you find the intricate designs on my graphic tee intriguing, which will lead to you thinking I am the man because I spent 80 dollars of my hard earned money working as a bouncer because I think I can be an ultimate fighter like Randy Couture. Without this shirt, I'm just some meathead shmuck on wheels with anger issues. I hope you hate your parents and are looking for a guy with no future to piss them off.". This look is often coupled with a nice chin strap and memorial forearm tattoos for friends who died racing their suped up Honda Civics.
4. Forearm tattoos. Unless you are truly a badass biker for life or were in the military, dont get forearm tattoos. Just don't. Is a lifetime of credibility worth a few years of youthful rebellion? It's not that getting forearm tattoos is a completely impractical action. It's the thought process behind getting one that pisses me off. That drive some people have to constantly prove themselves, and seek approval from their peers baffles me. What is it that these guys are trying to prove? Often times, these tattoos aren't even an attempt at significance. Typically, they are stupid nonsense like dragons, dice, flaming wheels, skulls, and other toolbag nonsense. It's hypermacho bullshit. Take it easy, Francis.
The Telltale Signs of an Poser Fan
1. is female
2. wearing a throwback to make it look like they've been fan since Chuck Bednarik was an Eagle, even though the jerkoff wearing the jersey is 22 years old
3. wears a tattered hat
4. NL east or NL champion shirt/hat
5. you have facebook pictures of yourself at the parade, wearing your Phillies gear with tags still on it
6. you have facebook pics of yourself at games, holding your miller lite
7. you wear a green Phillies/Flyers/whatever jersey or a pink eagles jersey, stop trying to be different, we don't give a fuck if you're irish, italian or whatever
8. you get kicked out of the stadium for being a drunken asshole
9. your hat has a world series logo, has a straight brim, and still has the new era logo sticker on it
10. you attend or graduated from Villanova university
As Yogi Berra once said, "you can observe a lot by watching." Pay undivided attention to something - anything - for a little while and you'll be surprised by all the nuances you can pick up on. It really can be anything - the way your dog picks out his napping spot, the timing patterns of traffic lights, or the go-to phrases of your favorite (or least favorite) broadcasters. Recently I've taken my step-back perspective and used it to observe a timeless art of human courtship, namely the behavior of men and women in bars.
I used to always wonder how funny it would be to see a Discovery Channel-type documentary on humans done in the way you see it so often done with wild animals, including some British-sounding voice narrating the interaction between, and pursuit of, both genders. Well, it turns out, something to that effect has already been made (beaten to the punch on yet another idea). In any event, my main conclusion is that men and women pursue each other like it's a cat-and-mouse game. I'm not exactly breaking new ground with that, but the comparison is valid nonetheless. Before I say anything further, let's make it clear that this is a pretty big generalization made from a small but semi-respectable sample size, and while it's far from definitive, it's not outrageous either.
Your typical bar scene consists of males in the act of pursuit and females in the act of trying to be pursued. Men scour the room looking to see which women they want to go over to, and women scour the room looking for which men they want to come over to them. And so the game ensues. Women do their fair share to try to attract the attention of those they deem desirable, but most of it is nonverbal and passive - a glance here, a half smile there, maybe even an attempt at eye contact - it is all a momentary lowering of the drawbridge over the moat of inapproachability. Unlike the male approach to directly engage, the female approach is merely to facilitate interaction, not necessarily to initiate interaction.
Case in point - John, Kevin, and I were out a few Fridays ago, enjoying 3 dollar Guinness at a comfortably crowded bar with a band playing that almost didnt suck. As we were standing near the bar discussing baseball trades, three not bad-looking women made their way over and sat down at the table about 3 feet behind us, abound with "talk to me" body language. Almost simultaneously, three seats opened up at the bar, which I implored us to take because I had a bad hamstring at the time and my legs were killing me, plus how often can you get 3 seats at the bar at 11:00 on a Friday? We sit down at the bar, at which point Kevin notes "those girls behind us looked like they wanted us to talk to them, they're probably pissed." Sure enough, they left less than 10 minutes later in a small huff.
Of course, we'll never know if they left as a result of our supposed indifference or not, but it's still easy to picture one or two of them venting on the car ride home, "how dumb are those guys...didn't they notice that we sat down close to them and smiled in their direction?" Which brings me to my underlying issue - why do so many people consider it the male's obligation to get the ball rolling? If you really want to try to get to know me or one of my friends, it's not against the law to say "hi" yourself. Is it some underlying feeling of having the lower hand when you are the approacher as opposed to the approach-ee? Do some people really consider it beneath them to have to go up to someone else? Is it some female tendency to want any man to be able to read her signals, thus failing to act upon a woman's subliminal inviting messages means an instant disqualification? Of course, it could just be the fact that, when you're the approach-ee, you have surefire knowledge that the approacher is interested in you, whereas, if you're the approacher yourself, part of you is never quite sure right away if your target is actually attracted to you or if they're just being nice until they can invent an excuse to get away.
Obviously, we humans have done a decent enough job of pursuing each other over the years, hence our existence as a species. But I leave you this evening with this bit of wisdom: men are a preoccupied species. Our minds are a clouded archive of sports facts and movie quotes, and that's before the first pints of the night are poured. It took us decades to realize that when a woman utters the phrase "I'm fine," it means the complete opposite. So please, take that into consideration if you're trying to attract our attention, especially after a few beers. Because that point, we can't tell if a glance or two in our direction means you want us to talk to you, or if you're simply trying to look out the window to see if your car has a parking ticket on it or not.
Sh*t I Don't Understand The series has been enshrined, not this particular post so look fort the Sh*t I Don't Understand label or use the site search to find other parts of the series.
Tonight, at 7:30, on The Insider, we discuss the brand of sneakers Kate Gosselin wears to the gym, don't miss it! And later, at 11:30 on TMZ, it's Lindsay Lohan getting drunk and pissing herself in a limo, followed by Clint Howard getting into a cab at LAX! It's guaranteed to be the sixty most mind-stimulating minutes of your day!
Why, people, why? Why is celebrity gossip such a big business? You can't go through the checkout aisle in the food store or surf TV channels for 3 minutes without being slapped in the face by celebrity magazines and celebrity TV shows, every one of them making a pitch at the lowest part of our minds. Oh, look, shocking news, Sandra Bullock's tatted-up biker husband who has a pornstar ex-wife was cheating on her! Oh man, I really had hope for those two, it was such a storybook romance.
When did we become such a voyeuristic society obsessed with other peoples' business? 40 years ago, were people crooning for photos of a doped-up Jim Morrison, or did they care who Jack Nicholson was dating? And it's one thing for a bunch of chatterbox wives down at the country club to be spread rumors about who in the neighborhood has a kid that eats glue. It's another thing to immerse yourself in the goings-on of people that you don't know, haven't ever met, and most likely will never meet.
Case in point: magazines paying millions of dollars for the right to be the first to publish pictures of a newborn celebrity baby. Who the hell cares? Babies all look alike, for one, and they also hardly look anything like what they will eventually grow up to be. For all you know that could be someone else's baby on the cover of OK!. You can't tell the difference, and you're never going to meet or know that kid anyway, so what on earth is the obsession?
Western culture loves to put its rich and famous in a fishbowl. They're living a life that most of us will never even sniff, but that doesn't mean we can't observe, observe, observe. I think the obsession is that we like to scrutinize every waking second of these important people's lives, hoping upon hope that an unfortunate moment gets caught on camera or, if we're really lucky, someone gets arrested, hooked on drugs or booze, involved in some sort of cheating scandal, or all of the above. Ever notice the proportion of negative news to positive news when it comes to celebrities? Some doctor could cure AIDS, heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer's, and the common cold all in the same week and if People had the interview with the guy, they'd stick it on page 26 because pages 2-25 would already be dedicated to what Elin Woods had for lunch last week and how that possibly indicates the imminent divorce of her and Tiger.
Apparently what really makes common people feel good about themselves is the ability to poke fun at celebrities for being human. Let me ask you this - how do you think any of us would look if we had cameras in our face 20 hours a day? That's what cracks me up when I see people gasping and chuckling whenever US Weekly or one of those other esteemed journalistic outlets runs a "Stars Without Makeup" issue. Yeah, I'm sure the average US Weekly reader looks better than Rihanna when they roll out of bed, so they must have all the right to point and laugh.
Hell, I'll admit that I'm not above using celebrities as an occasional punchline, but there's a fine line to draw between lighthearted mockery and full-out obsession. Value these people as entertainers and (hopefully) conveyors of otherwordly talent. Admire their accomplishments and applaud if they do things the right way, but leave it at that. I guarantee there are many important things in your own life that could use the additional attention.
If your blinded by the fact that your getting laid and can't see the big picture your friends can help you out. They are not getting the action so they can provide an unclouded judgement of the situation. If your in a relationship and you want your friends advice, you need to open the door for it. Most people will not come out and say she is a bitch at risk of damaging the friendship. Ask what do you think of her and you will likely receive a canned answer to some degree. The friend still is unlikely tell you his true feelings. Tell him your considering breaking up with her and the friend will likely step in an give his honest assessment while covering his ass if she comes back.
For some reason I seek the approval of my friends for not just how a girl may act but how she looks. As if it mattered because they aren't making out with her. I puzzle myself with this, but I want to know that I'm not the only one who finds the girl attractive. The judging of her character is something I can figure out, but even still you want your friends to say she's cool. And I mean the exact phrase "she's cool", because that's what I always hear or say when someone is approved.
Your girlfriend or boyfriend are battling for the same hang out time as your long time friends. Except they can offer you an orgasm that your friends cannot. So the friends may naturally feel slighted at times. You and your new special friend have to try to smooth things over. Hang out together and all but don't always be attached the hip. You can't have the same conversations with a girlfriend in toe. That would be like expecting me to act the same way in front of my parents as I do in front of my friends.
If you listen to your friends all the time you will inevitably be single. You should trust your own thoughts and feelings above all else. Its understandable to give in to the girlfriend more than your friends. Usually they won't go anywhere. However, your happiness in the long run is key, and if this means ditching the boyfriend or girlfriend everywhere once in awhile then do it. They can survive a few nights by themselves. Not everynight is a need to hang out night. When your girlfriend or boyfriend needs you, trump your friends. When its not a pertinent event though, have your friends back if its an important event.
Finally this blog post is all over the place. This is part of the reason it has been sitting in the que since March. Perhaps that shows how complicated this stuff can be, and how much more complicated it gets when your free time shrinks.
If you haven't been able to tell already we are obsessed with sports fandom here at the blog. A concept of badges in fandom was introduced at my favorite site that is often linked here. I wanted to introduce you to the concept and take it a step further. The concept is simple. There are degrees of sports fans based on your interest in the sport and devotion to your team. There are teams that you root for no matter what and pledge your allegiance to always. There are other teams where you are casually interested in their success and do not follow as closely. Hence I present the karate belt system for sports fans. The karate system is as here.
White Belt (lowest rank)- You are aware that your team exist but can't name more than the star players and you lack the knowledge of your division/conference or schedule. You have never purchased tickets using your own money to go to a game.
Yellow Belt- You gather your news from ESPN and local affiliates and assume this is sufficient. You do not bother listening to talk radio much but can generally follow a conversation about the team. You would prefer to listen to music when you drive because that is what you are really into. You are not even aware how devoid of knowledge local sports radio station is or main stream media. You have a generally idea of when games should be but you don't know the time or station because if you miss the game, that's ok. You would rather drink and go out anyways.
Orange Belt- You own 1 t-shirt of the team you like. You can talk about you favorite team with the average sports fan and not sound like an idiot. You have paid to go to a game before. However, your friend had an extra ticket and was giving you a ride. He was able to show you around and the drive was less than an hour from your house. You keep tabs on the team by reading the box scores. The season doesn't get interesting until the playoffs or until it reaches national significance. In the playoffs you are closely following and watching games.
Green Belt- You have a baseball mini plan for your team if they are near by or you make sure to catch every nationally televised game. You enjoy the MLB network but won't pay extra for it or any other network to watch your team. You enjoy watching the games because to you they are just that: games. It doesn't ultimately mean more to you than this. When the game is over you can move onto whatever is next. The feeling of excitement or disappointment lives in the bubble of the game you watch.
Blue Belt- You're a pretty good fan of your team, few people will dispute this. However, amid your dedication to your team you can lose interest in the eyes of defeat. Down by 2 touchdowns with 3 minutes left, you are no longer watching. Baseball team is out of playoff contention late in the year, your doing something else. When your team loses to Appalachian State you go in to sports fan hibernation. Basically you are not going to live with the wretched ups and down of a sports fan. You prefer to shield yourself from certain unnecessary pains. Females can distract you from the game, and if the girl is hot enough you'll skip the game for her.
Brown Belt- By all accounts you a great sports fan. You hardly miss a game. You will watch all the games you can but if you have something important to do you can grit your teeth and miss the game. Family does come first with you. When there is an important family event to go you go to the event. you throw the girlfriend a bone on occasion and miss a game if A) the game isn't the be all end all and B) you'll be in the chateau bow wow if you don't. You are knowledgeable and generally waste hours of you work day and free time discussing sports with other fans online and in person. You make it a point to go to as many games as you can afford to go to. Your cable/satellite package is selected based on your team. To put things into prospective, you are a major fan, but remain reasonable and realistic when it comes to other aspects of your life.
Black Belt- People classify you as insane or nuts. People who know you will never forget who your allegiance is to. You will shun family and friends to watch the game alone if you have to. "Hey we have to go to a wedding on Saturday." I'm not going, Michigan is playing UMass at 3. They should know better than to even ask me. If your a black belt in sports things like 3-9 don't deter you. A Matt Beech start is worthy of watching in September when your team is 25 games back. Driving 10 hours or getting on a plane to see a game is par for the course. Taking off work and standing in line for standing room tickets is something you don't question but just do. You will go through great lengths to watch your team play. You know where to find your team online/portable TV/Slingbox.
You are irrational at times and will purchase tickets for games you know you can't go to because the idea of holding the tickets gives you a possibility of attending the game. You are a masochist and will watch games when your team is getting embarrased. You will suffer along with them because you feel it is your duty. You can fully appreaciate the thrill of pure joy that other bandwagon jumpers cannot, and you have the emotional scars from painful defeats. Your mood is heavily affected by your teams performance.
Explantions
The system tries to reach broadly across all major sports, however it is impossible to compare baseball and football. Watching all 9 inning of a 162 games season is unrealistic for anyone. 4 hours 13 times a year is a different story. If your like me it is probable that for different teams that fall into different categories. I root for the Phillies differently than I do for Michigan.
This system was difficult to create you may find yourself in a few categories for certain situations. However, your pattern of behavior is what I am judging here so assign accordingly. Generally assumptions are that the positives of each belt will carry over to the higher ranking.
Today is an exciting day at notasgoodasyouthink. We landed our first interview today from famous ESPN announcer, Pam Ward. The opportunity was available for us to do an in person interview but we opted to do a phone interview for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUMXkHLqAI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9Nfla0CmH0&feature=related
KG: Good Morning Mrs. Ward.
PW: Good Morning.
KG: Thank you for taking a few minutes from your busy schedule to answer some questions.
PW: Oh its really no big deal. I live with 6 cats its just nice to have some human contact even if its over the phone. You sure I can't drive to do the interview in person? Where do you live?
KG: NO. NO. This is for the best. Besides it sounds like your voice is a little hoarse. Are you sick?
PW: No I feel 100%.
KG: O...ok. Well let's just start the questions. How did you manage to get a play by play job at ESPN?
PW: Well I started out as a sideline reporter but was soon told I might be better suited for play by play and radio. These Erin Andrews types are ruining TV. I mean what does she have that I don't?
silence........
PW: Anyways I am better as a play by play announcer.
KG: Yesss. You previously partnered with Andre Ware on ESPN 2's Noon Big Ten Game. Many people were disappointed when you two were split up. What were your feelings with ESPN's decision to pair you with Ray Bentley instead?PW: Andre and I were the best broadcast team in the business. We were a dynamic duo on the air but Andre blocked my phone number in the offseason. I decided to send him a Christmas card anyways in which I encouraged him to make a comeback at pro football. His biggest issue in the pros was playing under center so I offered to help him out. I also told him I would make an excellent wide receiver. I sent him the same nude photo as everyone else but for some reason he didn't respond. Ray Ray was also a tremendous partner as well but just my luck he decided to go sailing across the world in the offseason. He said he sent me a message in a bottle and that I should keep my eye out for it. The beaches are cold in the winter but I make sure to look everyday.
KG: Who can expect you to work with in the future?
PW: I applied for a job as a production assistant for the MLB Network to keep me busy in the offseason. I have always wanted to work with Peter Gammons because I respect him so much. Harold Reynolds works there as well and I hear he is quite friendly.
KG: Why not work with ESPN on Baseball Tonight?
PW: Well I had a potential contact on the show that was going to recommend me but unfortunately he was fired for having a sex addiction. Having heard this I'm very unhappy I never got a chance to meet him, and now hes in rehab. Story of my life.
KG: I heard he checked out of rehab.
Phone clicks...
5. Complain excessively about the weather. Granted, it snowed alot this winter. I know it sucked. Button your coat, put on your hat, shovel the driveway, grumble it's cold out and be done with it. Grown men have no business complaining excessively about the weather. If it's cold out, deal with it. Do not give in to the media's constant coverage of the weather whenever there is snow, rain, sleet, wind, or anything besides 75 and sunshine. Just carry on business as usual.
6. Drive miniature cars. The only tiny vehicle grown men should be driving are golf carts. Do these guys driving Mini Coopers, Beetles, Smart cars have any idea how ridiculous they look in those wind up cars? Keep your damn toys in the yard. You aren't saving any money on gas, don't even start that shit. I know you think you're cool because you drive an environmentally friendly little green car with just enough room for you and your backpack that you take with you on your little adventures to museums, coffee shops, and libraries. Nothing gets me more pissed off than when I am trying to park, and I see what I think is an open spot in an ideal location, only to discover some tool has parked his motorized Little Tikes car in my would-be spot. The tiny cars were cool when you were a lad, time to grow up and get something that might give you some modicum of respect.
I am sure there are a number of other things grown men should not do, but for now the above will serve as the groundwork for a better future.
This is something I call "The Bruce Springsteen Factor". It's when a thing is good, people like it, yet the dull-minded masses that love to get excited over nothing have pumped that thing up end-all-be-all status. Bruce is the perfect example. His music is good. I like it too. However, I haven't been to 257 concerts. I have never yelled "BRUUUUUCE" in my life. He has a few good songs. When he's on the radio, I usually turn it off because I know people are getting more excited than they should be. The media and fans hype him up to be Jesus Christ. If it's your thing to get overly excited about something to feel good about yourself, I'm not stopping you. I'm just not that impressed.
To recap, The Bruce Springsteen Factor applies to phenomena that are hyped beyond what it actually is. Personally, I think the Factor applies to Michael Phelps, Barack Obama, Jon Legend, Dave Matthews (he sucks), and many more things that I will remember later.
The Bruce Springsteen Factor
Walking out of the theater after seeing Slumdog Millionaire, which I really enjoyed and recommend to everyone, I was very happy with what I saw. I liked the movie. This was about 2 months before the Academy Awards. As time went by after watching this movie, I realized that it's popularity was becoming widespread. People were telling me it was the best movie they ever saw. What?? People love to love something because it's popular. It helps them fit into a conversation, or gives them some sort of acceptance by proclaiming their love for something that isn't THAT great.
This is something I call "The Bruce Springsteen Factor". It's when a thing is good, people like it, yet the dull-minded masses that love to get excited over nothing have pumped that thing up end-all-be-all status. Bruce is the perfect example. His music is good. I like it too. However, I haven't been to 257 concerts. I have never yelled "BRUUUUUCE" in my life. He has a few good songs. When he's on the radio, I usually turn it off because I know people are getting more excited than they should be. The media and fans hype him up to be Jesus Christ. If it's your thing to get overly excited about something to feel good about yourself, I'm not stopping you. I'm just not that impressed.
To recap, The Bruce Springsteen Factor applies to phenomena that are hyped beyond what it actually is. Personally, I think the Factor applies to Michael Phelps, Barack Obama, Jon Legend, Dave Matthews (he sucks), and many more things that I will remember later.
The Telltale Signs of an Poser Fan
1. is female
2. wearing a throwback to make it look like they've been fan since Chuck Bednarik was an Eagle, even though the jerkoff wearing the jersey is 22 years old
3. wears a tattered hat
4. NL east or NL champion shirt/hat
5. you have facebook pictures of yourself at the parade, wearing your Phillies gear with tags still on it
6. you have facebook pics of yourself at games, holding your miller lite
7. you wear a green Phillies/Flyers/whatever jersey or a pink eagles jersey, stop trying to be different, we don't give a fuck if you're irish, italian or whatever
8. you get kicked out of the stadium for being a drunken asshole
9. your hat has a world series logo, has a straight brim, and still has the new era logo sticker on it
10. you attend or graduated from Villanova university
By Lou
Too Much Mouse, Not Enough Cat
As Yogi Berra once said, "you can observe a lot by watching." Pay undivided attention to something - anything - for a little while and you'll be surprised by all the nuances you can pick up on. It really can be anything - the way your dog picks out his napping spot, the timing patterns of traffic lights, or the go-to phrases of your favorite (or least favorite) broadcasters. Recently I've taken my step-back perspective and used it to observe a timeless art of human courtship, namely the behavior of men and women in bars.
I used to always wonder how funny it would be to see a Discovery Channel-type documentary on humans done in the way you see it so often done with wild animals, including some British-sounding voice narrating the interaction between, and pursuit of, both genders. Well, it turns out, something to that effect has already been made (beaten to the punch on yet another idea). In any event, my main conclusion is that men and women pursue each other like it's a cat-and-mouse game. I'm not exactly breaking new ground with that, but the comparison is valid nonetheless. Before I say anything further, let's make it clear that this is a pretty big generalization made from a small but semi-respectable sample size, and while it's far from definitive, it's not outrageous either.
Your typical bar scene consists of males in the act of pursuit and females in the act of trying to be pursued. Men scour the room looking to see which women they want to go over to, and women scour the room looking for which men they want to come over to them. And so the game ensues. Women do their fair share to try to attract the attention of those they deem desirable, but most of it is nonverbal and passive - a glance here, a half smile there, maybe even an attempt at eye contact - it is all a momentary lowering of the drawbridge over the moat of inapproachability. Unlike the male approach to directly engage, the female approach is merely to facilitate interaction, not necessarily to initiate interaction.
Case in point - John, Kevin, and I were out a few Fridays ago, enjoying 3 dollar Guinness at a comfortably crowded bar with a band playing that almost didnt suck. As we were standing near the bar discussing baseball trades, three not bad-looking women made their way over and sat down at the table about 3 feet behind us, abound with "talk to me" body language. Almost simultaneously, three seats opened up at the bar, which I implored us to take because I had a bad hamstring at the time and my legs were killing me, plus how often can you get 3 seats at the bar at 11:00 on a Friday? We sit down at the bar, at which point Kevin notes "those girls behind us looked like they wanted us to talk to them, they're probably pissed." Sure enough, they left less than 10 minutes later in a small huff.
Of course, we'll never know if they left as a result of our supposed indifference or not, but it's still easy to picture one or two of them venting on the car ride home, "how dumb are those guys...didn't they notice that we sat down close to them and smiled in their direction?" Which brings me to my underlying issue - why do so many people consider it the male's obligation to get the ball rolling? If you really want to try to get to know me or one of my friends, it's not against the law to say "hi" yourself. Is it some underlying feeling of having the lower hand when you are the approacher as opposed to the approach-ee? Do some people really consider it beneath them to have to go up to someone else? Is it some female tendency to want any man to be able to read her signals, thus failing to act upon a woman's subliminal inviting messages means an instant disqualification? Of course, it could just be the fact that, when you're the approach-ee, you have surefire knowledge that the approacher is interested in you, whereas, if you're the approacher yourself, part of you is never quite sure right away if your target is actually attracted to you or if they're just being nice until they can invent an excuse to get away.
Obviously, we humans have done a decent enough job of pursuing each other over the years, hence our existence as a species. But I leave you this evening with this bit of wisdom: men are a preoccupied species. Our minds are a clouded archive of sports facts and movie quotes, and that's before the first pints of the night are poured. It took us decades to realize that when a woman utters the phrase "I'm fine," it means the complete opposite. So please, take that into consideration if you're trying to attract our attention, especially after a few beers. Because that point, we can't tell if a glance or two in our direction means you want us to talk to you, or if you're simply trying to look out the window to see if your car has a parking ticket on it or not.
Tonight, at 7:30, on The Insider, we discuss the brand of sneakers Kate Gosselin wears to the gym, don't miss it! And later, at 11:30 on TMZ, it's Lindsay Lohan getting drunk and pissing herself in a limo, followed by Clint Howard getting into a cab at LAX! It's guaranteed to be the sixty most mind-stimulating minutes of your day!
Why, people, why? Why is celebrity gossip such a big business? You can't go through the checkout aisle in the food store or surf TV channels for 3 minutes without being slapped in the face by celebrity magazines and celebrity TV shows, every one of them making a pitch at the lowest part of our minds. Oh, look, shocking news, Sandra Bullock's tatted-up biker husband who has a pornstar ex-wife was cheating on her! Oh man, I really had hope for those two, it was such a storybook romance.
When did we become such a voyeuristic society obsessed with other peoples' business? 40 years ago, were people crooning for photos of a doped-up Jim Morrison, or did they care who Jack Nicholson was dating? And it's one thing for a bunch of chatterbox wives down at the country club to be spread rumors about who in the neighborhood has a kid that eats glue. It's another thing to immerse yourself in the goings-on of people that you don't know, haven't ever met, and most likely will never meet.
Case in point: magazines paying millions of dollars for the right to be the first to publish pictures of a newborn celebrity baby. Who the hell cares? Babies all look alike, for one, and they also hardly look anything like what they will eventually grow up to be. For all you know that could be someone else's baby on the cover of OK!. You can't tell the difference, and you're never going to meet or know that kid anyway, so what on earth is the obsession?
Western culture loves to put its rich and famous in a fishbowl. They're living a life that most of us will never even sniff, but that doesn't mean we can't observe, observe, observe. I think the obsession is that we like to scrutinize every waking second of these important people's lives, hoping upon hope that an unfortunate moment gets caught on camera or, if we're really lucky, someone gets arrested, hooked on drugs or booze, involved in some sort of cheating scandal, or all of the above. Ever notice the proportion of negative news to positive news when it comes to celebrities? Some doctor could cure AIDS, heart disease, cancer, Alzheimer's, and the common cold all in the same week and if People had the interview with the guy, they'd stick it on page 26 because pages 2-25 would already be dedicated to what Elin Woods had for lunch last week and how that possibly indicates the imminent divorce of her and Tiger.
Apparently what really makes common people feel good about themselves is the ability to poke fun at celebrities for being human. Let me ask you this - how do you think any of us would look if we had cameras in our face 20 hours a day? That's what cracks me up when I see people gasping and chuckling whenever US Weekly or one of those other esteemed journalistic outlets runs a "Stars Without Makeup" issue. Yeah, I'm sure the average US Weekly reader looks better than Rihanna when they roll out of bed, so they must have all the right to point and laugh.
Hell, I'll admit that I'm not above using celebrities as an occasional punchline, but there's a fine line to draw between lighthearted mockery and full-out obsession. Value these people as entertainers and (hopefully) conveyors of otherwordly talent. Admire their accomplishments and applaud if they do things the right way, but leave it at that. I guarantee there are many important things in your own life that could use the additional attention.
By Kevin
How Important is the Approval of Your Friends?
When you meet a new girl its common to ask for the approval of your friends. Can they get along with your friends? Do they handle themselves well in a group? The friends are a litmus test to see if the guy or girl you have been seeing is as cool as you think they are. Girls want to know if their friends think their new man is hot. For guys its the same. Your friends can provide a stamp of approval.
If your blinded by the fact that your getting laid and can't see the big picture your friends can help you out. They are not getting the action so they can provide an unclouded judgement of the situation. If your in a relationship and you want your friends advice, you need to open the door for it. Most people will not come out and say she is a bitch at risk of damaging the friendship. Ask what do you think of her and you will likely receive a canned answer to some degree. The friend still is unlikely tell you his true feelings. Tell him your considering breaking up with her and the friend will likely step in an give his honest assessment while covering his ass if she comes back.
For some reason I seek the approval of my friends for not just how a girl may act but how she looks. As if it mattered because they aren't making out with her. I puzzle myself with this, but I want to know that I'm not the only one who finds the girl attractive. The judging of her character is something I can figure out, but even still you want your friends to say she's cool. And I mean the exact phrase "she's cool", because that's what I always hear or say when someone is approved.
Your girlfriend or boyfriend are battling for the same hang out time as your long time friends. Except they can offer you an orgasm that your friends cannot. So the friends may naturally feel slighted at times. You and your new special friend have to try to smooth things over. Hang out together and all but don't always be attached the hip. You can't have the same conversations with a girlfriend in toe. That would be like expecting me to act the same way in front of my parents as I do in front of my friends.
If you listen to your friends all the time you will inevitably be single. You should trust your own thoughts and feelings above all else. Its understandable to give in to the girlfriend more than your friends. Usually they won't go anywhere. However, your happiness in the long run is key, and if this means ditching the boyfriend or girlfriend everywhere once in awhile then do it. They can survive a few nights by themselves. Not everynight is a need to hang out night. When your girlfriend or boyfriend needs you, trump your friends. When its not a pertinent event though, have your friends back if its an important event.
Finally this blog post is all over the place. This is part of the reason it has been sitting in the que since March. Perhaps that shows how complicated this stuff can be, and how much more complicated it gets when your free time shrinks.
What Belt Have You Earned?
If you haven't been able to tell already we are obsessed with sports fandom here at the blog. A concept of badges in fandom was introduced at my favorite site that is often linked here. I wanted to introduce you to the concept and take it a step further. The concept is simple. There are degrees of sports fans based on your interest in the sport and devotion to your team. There are teams that you root for no matter what and pledge your allegiance to always. There are other teams where you are casually interested in their success and do not follow as closely. Hence I present the karate belt system for sports fans. The karate system is as here.
White Belt (lowest rank)- You are aware that your team exist but can't name more than the star players and you lack the knowledge of your division/conference or schedule. You have never purchased tickets using your own money to go to a game.
Yellow Belt- You gather your news from ESPN and local affiliates and assume this is sufficient. You do not bother listening to talk radio much but can generally follow a conversation about the team. You would prefer to listen to music when you drive because that is what you are really into. You are not even aware how devoid of knowledge local sports radio station is or main stream media. You have a generally idea of when games should be but you don't know the time or station because if you miss the game, that's ok. You would rather drink and go out anyways.
Orange Belt- You own 1 t-shirt of the team you like. You can talk about you favorite team with the average sports fan and not sound like an idiot. You have paid to go to a game before. However, your friend had an extra ticket and was giving you a ride. He was able to show you around and the drive was less than an hour from your house. You keep tabs on the team by reading the box scores. The season doesn't get interesting until the playoffs or until it reaches national significance. In the playoffs you are closely following and watching games.
Green Belt- You have a baseball mini plan for your team if they are near by or you make sure to catch every nationally televised game. You enjoy the MLB network but won't pay extra for it or any other network to watch your team. You enjoy watching the games because to you they are just that: games. It doesn't ultimately mean more to you than this. When the game is over you can move onto whatever is next. The feeling of excitement or disappointment lives in the bubble of the game you watch.
Blue Belt- You're a pretty good fan of your team, few people will dispute this. However, amid your dedication to your team you can lose interest in the eyes of defeat. Down by 2 touchdowns with 3 minutes left, you are no longer watching. Baseball team is out of playoff contention late in the year, your doing something else. When your team loses to Appalachian State you go in to sports fan hibernation. Basically you are not going to live with the wretched ups and down of a sports fan. You prefer to shield yourself from certain unnecessary pains. Females can distract you from the game, and if the girl is hot enough you'll skip the game for her.
Brown Belt- By all accounts you a great sports fan. You hardly miss a game. You will watch all the games you can but if you have something important to do you can grit your teeth and miss the game. Family does come first with you. When there is an important family event to go you go to the event. you throw the girlfriend a bone on occasion and miss a game if A) the game isn't the be all end all and B) you'll be in the chateau bow wow if you don't. You are knowledgeable and generally waste hours of you work day and free time discussing sports with other fans online and in person. You make it a point to go to as many games as you can afford to go to. Your cable/satellite package is selected based on your team. To put things into prospective, you are a major fan, but remain reasonable and realistic when it comes to other aspects of your life.
Black Belt- People classify you as insane or nuts. People who know you will never forget who your allegiance is to. You will shun family and friends to watch the game alone if you have to. "Hey we have to go to a wedding on Saturday." I'm not going, Michigan is playing UMass at 3. They should know better than to even ask me. If your a black belt in sports things like 3-9 don't deter you. A Matt Beech start is worthy of watching in September when your team is 25 games back. Driving 10 hours or getting on a plane to see a game is par for the course. Taking off work and standing in line for standing room tickets is something you don't question but just do. You will go through great lengths to watch your team play. You know where to find your team online/portable TV/Slingbox.
You are irrational at times and will purchase tickets for games you know you can't go to because the idea of holding the tickets gives you a possibility of attending the game. You are a masochist and will watch games when your team is getting embarrased. You will suffer along with them because you feel it is your duty. You can fully appreaciate the thrill of pure joy that other bandwagon jumpers cannot, and you have the emotional scars from painful defeats. Your mood is heavily affected by your teams performance.
Explantions
The system tries to reach broadly across all major sports, however it is impossible to compare baseball and football. Watching all 9 inning of a 162 games season is unrealistic for anyone. 4 hours 13 times a year is a different story. If your like me it is probable that for different teams that fall into different categories. I root for the Phillies differently than I do for Michigan.
This system was difficult to create you may find yourself in a few categories for certain situations. However, your pattern of behavior is what I am judging here so assign accordingly. Generally assumptions are that the positives of each belt will carry over to the higher ranking.
Pam Ward Interview: Sit On This Grenade
Today is an exciting day at notasgoodasyouthink. We landed our first interview today from famous ESPN announcer, Pam Ward. The opportunity was available for us to do an in person interview but we opted to do a phone interview for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUMXkHLqAI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9Nfla0CmH0&feature=related
KG: Good Morning Mrs. Ward.
PW: Good Morning.
KG: Thank you for taking a few minutes from your busy schedule to answer some questions.
PW: Oh its really no big deal. I live with 6 cats its just nice to have some human contact even if its over the phone. You sure I can't drive to do the interview in person? Where do you live?
KG: NO. NO. This is for the best. Besides it sounds like your voice is a little hoarse. Are you sick?
PW: No I feel 100%.
KG: O...ok. Well let's just start the questions. How did you manage to get a play by play job at ESPN?
PW: Well I started out as a sideline reporter but was soon told I might be better suited for play by play and radio. These Erin Andrews types are ruining TV. I mean what does she have that I don't?
silence........
PW: Anyways I am better as a play by play announcer.
KG: Yesss. You previously partnered with Andre Ware on ESPN 2's Noon Big Ten Game. Many people were disappointed when you two were split up. What were your feelings with ESPN's decision to pair you with Ray Bentley instead?PW: Andre and I were the best broadcast team in the business. We were a dynamic duo on the air but Andre blocked my phone number in the offseason. I decided to send him a Christmas card anyways in which I encouraged him to make a comeback at pro football. His biggest issue in the pros was playing under center so I offered to help him out. I also told him I would make an excellent wide receiver. I sent him the same nude photo as everyone else but for some reason he didn't respond. Ray Ray was also a tremendous partner as well but just my luck he decided to go sailing across the world in the offseason. He said he sent me a message in a bottle and that I should keep my eye out for it. The beaches are cold in the winter but I make sure to look everyday.
KG: Who can expect you to work with in the future?
PW: I applied for a job as a production assistant for the MLB Network to keep me busy in the offseason. I have always wanted to work with Peter Gammons because I respect him so much. Harold Reynolds works there as well and I hear he is quite friendly.
KG: Why not work with ESPN on Baseball Tonight?
PW: Well I had a potential contact on the show that was going to recommend me but unfortunately he was fired for having a sex addiction. Having heard this I'm very unhappy I never got a chance to meet him, and now hes in rehab. Story of my life.
KG: I heard he checked out of rehab.
Phone clicks...
