Things Grown Men Should Not Do

To each his own...to an extent. People have the right to express themselves, but there is a fine line between self-expression and self-embarassment. I have arrived at a list of things that grown men should simply not do. Typically, people hold on to the past. Let go. For your own good, live in the the now. Without further ado, things grown men should not do:

1. Grow a ponytail. Give me something to be sick in. A ponytail is a feminized mullet. Are these guys for real? Their ponytail agenda varies with their age bracket. The age 18-23 bracket ponytailers are either total slobs, raging liberals, or both. Usually both, actually. Ponytailers age 24-30 rock the ponytail because someone told them it was cool while they were in college, or working at Barnes and Noble. However, they fail to realize they have outgrown the "oh he's young" excuse for having a ponytail.  Guys between age 30-40 who have a ponytail are quite lost.  They are unable to come to grips with the fact that their 20's are no more.  You hair will not serve your mojo, as Samson's hair served his strength.  They could also be some sort of organized crime hitman type that has a greasy ponytail coupled with a $5000 Armani suit, and a home decorated in zebra patterns.  Guys with ponytails past age 50 are either complete slobs, or in complete denial of their age.

2.  Earrings.  Unless you're a pro athlete, musician, or someone who doesn't need to impress anyone with a professional appearance, do not get your ears pierced.  I am not talking about guys with 37 piercings on their ears and throughout their face, they waived bye-bye to respect long ago.  The individuals I am referring to are grown men who get a stud or some sort of rock on their ear.  They think having that earring makes them stand out as rebellious, outgoing, cool big shots.    Roughly 99.99% of grown men who get their ears pierced  are kidding themselves.  They get some ridiculous diamond or CZ bling on each ear under the notion they're millionaire celebrities.  In reality, this is far from the truth.  Often times, the guy is an insecure nitwit trying to put on a big shot cool guy facade.  Younger guys who get their ears pierced don't care what you think, and get their ears pierced to let you know it.  They want you to know they can go to a movie on a school night, **snap**, like that.  Also, it's another case of the white man ripping off the black man's style.  Most white guys don't have the charisma or soul to pull off a diamond stud.   It's the truth.  The fact is, black people are much cooler than white people.  Let's be honest, virtually all grown men who have no business wearing earrings are desperate old white guys.

3. Wearing graphic tees.  I never bought into the graphic tee phenomenon.  I don't get how a grown man could walk around in Ed Hardy or Couture graphic clothing.  Mostly, it's excessively macho types with a hell of a lot to prove.  It's tattooed clothing.  The graphic clothing I find most irritating is the kind covered in glittery sequens and shiny designs.  If this stuff were made for jogging at night it would be perfect because a cars headlights would reflect off me as if I were a tinsel christmas tree with legs.  Would I wear it in public?  No.  Look at this piece of tacky shit on the left.  It screams "I'm an insecure asshole, and I hope you find the intricate designs on my graphic tee intriguing, which will lead to you thinking I am the man because I spent 80 dollars of my hard earned money working as a bouncer because I think I can be an ultimate fighter like Randy Couture.  Without this shirt, I'm just some meathead shmuck on wheels with anger issues.  I hope you hate your parents and are looking for a guy with no future to piss them off.".  This look is often coupled with a nice chin strap and memorial forearm tattoos for friends who died racing their suped up Honda Civics.

4.  Forearm tattoos.  Unless you are truly a badass biker for life or were in the military, dont get forearm tattoos.  Just don't.  Is a lifetime of credibility worth a few years of youthful rebellion?  It's not that getting forearm tattoos is a completely impractical action.  It's the thought process behind getting one that pisses me off.  That drive some people have to constantly prove themselves, and seek approval from their peers baffles me.  What is it that these guys are trying to prove?  Often times, these tattoos aren't even an attempt at significance.  Typically, they are stupid nonsense like dragons, dice, flaming wheels, skulls, and other toolbag nonsense.  It's hypermacho bullshit.  Take it easy, Francis.

5.  Complain excessively about the weather. Granted, it snowed alot this winter.  I know it sucked.  Button your coat, put on your hat, shovel the driveway, grumble it's cold out and be done with it.  Grown men have no business complaining excessively about the weather.  If it's cold out, deal with it.  Do not give in to the media's constant coverage of the weather whenever there is snow, rain, sleet, wind, or anything besides 75 and sunshine.  Just carry on business as usual.

6.  Drive miniature cars.  The only tiny vehicle grown men should be driving are golf carts.  Do these guys driving Mini Coopers, Beetles, Smart cars have any idea how ridiculous they look in those wind up cars?  Keep your damn toys in the yard. You aren't saving any money on gas, don't even start that shit. I know you think you're cool because you drive an environmentally friendly little green car with just enough room for you and your backpack that you take with you on your little adventures to museums, coffee shops, and libraries.  Nothing gets me more pissed off than when I am trying to park, and I see what I think is an open spot in an ideal location, only to discover some tool has parked his motorized Little Tikes car in my would-be spot.  The tiny cars were cool when you were a lad, time to grow up and get something that might give you some modicum of respect. 

I am sure there are a number of other things grown men should not do, but for now the above will serve as the groundwork for a better future. 

It's a Very Important Piece of Art!!!

We have all visited a museum, viddied a film, or slooshied some music that left us simply befuddled. Maybe I am just not that enlightened because I grew up in the suburbs, had parents who hugged me, played with toy guns when I was a kid, and was engrained with some sense of competition, but what in the hell is some of this crap? Is it really art? What is art? Above is a piece of "art" done by Jackson Pollock. That piece of what have you went for $50 million. $50,000,000.00. I am at a loss for words. How does this imitate life? Is there a statement being made? What attention to detail is there here? Does it take practice to learn how to paint like that? Give me a break.

I attach criteria to everything in life. It is my belief that that it is okay to formulate a set of criteria upon which to judge anything from art to people. So what the hell is art? Three things have to be in place for something to constitute art. They are quite simple really. 1) Demonstrate mastery of a skill 2) Impress me 3) Say something. It's really that simple. Demonstrating mastery of a skill is most important to me. Don't give me that abstract nonsense. This checklist applies to music, movies, theater, photography, and what have you.

There was once a time when singers had to have actual vocal talent. They didn't have the crutch of synthesizers and electronic sound effects. This music might have a beat, so what. How much skill is really involved? News flash, creating a beat isn't that hard. But I suppose it does appeal to those who enjoy shiny objects and loud noises. Why do I watch sports? Because I like to observe and admire professionals demonstrating mastery of a skill. The same thing applies to art.

I admire Martin Scorcese's work because there is incredible attention to detail. The time and effort that go into a project are evident. It is something to be appreciated. There is skill in putting together the right cast, giving direction, evoking believable performances, creating chemistry, camerawork, lighting, and editing. Don't give me this Avatar shit. I haven't seen the movie, so I am judging based on the previews and some feedback from people who have seen it. However, the CGI crap has gone too far. I am not impressed with guys sitting around a computer creating videogames and passing them off as movies. In the good old days, professional model makers had to create a scene by hand. The Death Star in the original Star Wars was not some computer generated illusion. It was created by an artist. Someone skilled at what they do. Even that mechanical shark in Jaws took time and skill to make. Maybe computer graphic imaging takes skill, fine. It doesn't feel real to me. Stick to creating websites, know your limited role in filmmaking. No sweat goes into it. Building an elaborate set for a scene impresses me. It's something created by hand, not by a motherboard.

CGI is to movies as makeup is to women. It can be a great thing if used in moderation with care and taste. Terminator 2 is perhaps the best example of how CGI should be used in a film. There wasn't nonstop excessive CGI, but computer graphics sure did cover up the seams. It was placed effectively throughout the movie with the T-1000. In fact, coupled with Robert Patrick's performance, it was too good. The poor guy has been forever typecasted as the T-1000. In any event, an excellent use of computer graphics. I think in Terminator 1, some minor computer graphics to cover up a few seams would be just fine. The scene where the terminator is in the motel room removing his eyeball is in need of a CGI touch up, the mechanized Arnold is laughable. However, don't do to the Terminator what Steven Spielberg did to E.T. That was a pity. An entire post on that is in production.

Nobody wants to look at a girl caked in makeup. Likewise, I don't care to watch a movie that is so smeared with CGI that it is the cinematic equivalent of one of those makeup ladies at the mall. Like an average girl, an average (or awful) movie will try to compensate by covering up with computer graphics. It's insulting to my intelligence when I am supposed to enjoy a movie simply because it is visibly pleasing. Where is the substance? I can see what is under all that CGI. Once again, I am not impressed.