Too Much Mouse, Not Enough Cat

As Yogi Berra once said, "you can observe a lot by watching." Pay undivided attention to something - anything - for a little while and you'll be surprised by all the nuances you can pick up on. It really can be anything - the way your dog picks out his napping spot, the timing patterns of traffic lights, or the go-to phrases of your favorite (or least favorite) broadcasters. Recently I've taken my step-back perspective and used it to observe a timeless art of human courtship, namely the behavior of men and women in bars.

I used to always wonder how funny it would be to see a Discovery Channel-type documentary on humans done in the way you see it so often done with wild animals, including some British-sounding voice narrating the interaction between, and pursuit of, both genders. Well, it turns out, something to that effect has already been made (beaten to the punch on yet another idea). In any event, my main conclusion is that men and women pursue each other like it's a cat-and-mouse game. I'm not exactly breaking new ground with that, but the comparison is valid nonetheless. Before I say anything further, let's make it clear that this is a pretty big generalization made from a small but semi-respectable sample size, and while it's far from definitive, it's not outrageous either.

Your typical bar scene consists of males in the act of pursuit and females in the act of trying to be pursued. Men scour the room looking to see which women they want to go over to, and women scour the room looking for which men they want to come over to them. And so the game ensues. Women do their fair share to try to attract the attention of those they deem desirable, but most of it is nonverbal and passive - a glance here, a half smile there, maybe even an attempt at eye contact - it is all a momentary lowering of the drawbridge over the moat of inapproachability. Unlike the male approach to directly engage, the female approach is merely to facilitate interaction, not necessarily to initiate interaction.

Case in point - John, Kevin, and I were out a few Fridays ago, enjoying 3 dollar Guinness at a comfortably crowded bar with a band playing that almost didnt suck. As we were standing near the bar discussing baseball trades, three not bad-looking women made their way over and sat down at the table about 3 feet behind us, abound with "talk to me" body language. Almost simultaneously, three seats opened up at the bar, which I implored us to take because I had a bad hamstring at the time and my legs were killing me, plus how often can you get 3 seats at the bar at 11:00 on a Friday? We sit down at the bar, at which point Kevin notes "those girls behind us looked like they wanted us to talk to them, they're probably pissed." Sure enough, they left less than 10 minutes later in a small huff.

Of course, we'll never know if they left as a result of our supposed indifference or not, but it's still easy to picture one or two of them venting on the car ride home, "how dumb are those guys...didn't they notice that we sat down close to them and smiled in their direction?" Which brings me to my underlying issue - why do so many people consider it the male's obligation to get the ball rolling? If you really want to try to get to know me or one of my friends, it's not against the law to say "hi" yourself. Is it some underlying feeling of having the lower hand when you are the approacher as opposed to the approach-ee? Do some people really consider it beneath them to have to go up to someone else? Is it some female tendency to want any man to be able to read her signals, thus failing to act upon a woman's subliminal inviting messages means an instant disqualification? Of course, it could just be the fact that, when you're the approach-ee, you have surefire knowledge that the approacher is interested in you, whereas, if you're the approacher yourself, part of you is never quite sure right away if your target is actually attracted to you or if they're just being nice until they can invent an excuse to get away.

Obviously, we humans have done a decent enough job of pursuing each other over the years, hence our existence as a species. But I leave you this evening with this bit of wisdom: men are a preoccupied species. Our minds are a clouded archive of sports facts and movie quotes, and that's before the first pints of the night are poured. It took us decades to realize that when a woman utters the phrase "I'm fine," it means the complete opposite. So please, take that into consideration if you're trying to attract our attention, especially after a few beers. Because that point, we can't tell if a glance or two in our direction means you want us to talk to you, or if you're simply trying to look out the window to see if your car has a parking ticket on it or not.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: The "Fun Size" Edition

In an effort to keep the "Sh*t I Don't Understand" series from dominating my posts, I'd like to offer an abbreviated, capsule-like version of several things, practices, or ways of thinking that have perturbed me lately. So, without further ado, it's "Sh*t I Don't Understand," the "Fun Size" edition.

-If the title and accompanying picture remind you of the mounds of Halloween candy you'd collect as a kid, then you are not alone. But what is it with the whole "Fun Size" charade? That's the universal candy code word for "f*ing tiny?" There is nothing fun about the size of a Nestlé Crunch bar when it's about 1/8 the size of a normal Nestlé Crunch bar. To me, a "Fun Size" candy bar is one that's about two feet long and weighs 3 lbs. That's a true fun size.

-The X Games

-People walking around with iPods in situations that do not call for iPods. Unless you're working out or studying, why do you find it necessary to listen to your iPod? I used to only see it from hipsters that live in the city and want everyone to know how unique they are, but lately this practice is starting to spread. Unless you're Alex from A Clockwork Orange and you have some unquenchable desire to listen to music, take the headphones out. Is it some sort of enjoyment you take in feeling antisocial and inaccessible? Well, let me save you the trouble and say it's no skin off my ass if you don't want to talk to me. And allow the record to show that I don't want to talk to you either.

-Baseball managers who are slaves to the save statistic. It might just be an effort to keep their big-money closers happy, but it really bothers me when the pursuit of stats play too big a role in how a game is managed or coached. How many times do you see something like this: a team enters the 9th with a 4 run lead, they refrain from bringing the closer in, the guy they do bring in gives up a soft 2-out run without bringing the tying run to the plate, and the manager immediately goes to the closer because it is now technically a save situation? The closer, in turn, gets to try his hand at a cheap one-out save and likely doesn't even face the prospect of giving up the tying run. You're up 6-3 with 2 out in the 9th and a guy on first? Leave the closer in the bullpen and don't waste his arm, please. Even if the reliever you have in there gives up a 500-foot bomb, you still have the lead and now you can go to the closer. If you were that hell-bent on having your big guy slam the door in the 9th, then why didn't you bring him in to start the inning? Broadcasters fuel the fire on this annoying trend, seemingly always defending a manager when he does this with a reflex-like "well, it is a save situation now" response.

-Wearing a tattered hat, or even worse, leaving the sticker(s) on a hat after you buy the thing. But, to be fair, it accents your earrings and wifebeater very well.

-Going to a club because there is a celebrity appearance there that night. You see this garbage down in AC a lot. So let me get this straight - Kim Kardashian is going to be at Mur Mur at the Borgata on a given night, and you want me to pay $25 just to get in (after waiting in line) and then pay ballpark prices for drinks (if I'm lucky) once I actually get to the bar? And this is all so I can get a glimpse at a celebrity from 40 feet away for 10 minutes? I'm a sucker for more things than I'd like to be, but even I'm not a sucker for that crap. I just could never figure out what these dudes think is in it for them when they go to one of these places. You really think Kim Kardashian is going to spot you out of the crowd and think to herself "Damn, I wanna hook up with that guy right there. What the hell am I doing dating professional football players anyway?" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're a dude in that club on that night, all you're getting is an unclear picture on your phone and the sad first-hand proof that yes, magazines do airbrush the hell out of those photo shoots. Now, if it were someone like Snooki appearing at the club, I could almost understand it because I don't think there's a male on this Earth that doesn't have a chance with her....

Fan Foul: Wearing Neutral-Team Attire to a Game

So I'm watching the Yankees/Angels game yesterday afternoon, and something peculiar catches my eye. A ball was popped foul into the stands just off first base, and I spotted a guy sitting in the 2nd or 3rd row, decked out in authentic Padres attire, hat and jersey both. I guess he took a wrong turn on the way to San Diego, wound up in Anaheim, and figured he might as well still go to a ballgame. That's got to be the only explanation, right?

Unfortunately, no. There's an inordinate number of people out there who, when attending a sporting event, find it OK to rock the gear of a team who isn't even involved in the game. If it's just a hat, that's no big deal, since a hat is everyday attire that you can pretty much wear anyplace. I'm talking about being fully garbed - hat, jacket, jersey, etc.- in team apparel, wearing your undying support for a team other than the two that are playing right in front of you. I see, I get it, we are all now aware that you are a fan of Team X even though you've somehow procured tickets to witness a game between Team Y and Team Z. On the scale of annoying fan habits, this is very high, right above kids who wear their Little League uniform to a game, and right below anyone who tries to start a wave.

I remember being at a Cowboys/Eagles game back in '94 or so and standing in the bathroom line next to some whiskey tango-looking dude decked out in Steelers gear from head to toe, and that includes those "so terrible they were awesome" Zubaz pants that were all the rage 20 years ago. The thought that immediately crossed my mind was "if this guy is such a huge Steelers fan that he feels it necessary to dress like this, then why is he here for Cowboys/Eagles at the Vet when he could be watching his own team play as we speak?" And remember, this was way before you could follow an out of town game on your phone, the only way you could find out what was going on around the league was the score updates in the Jumbotron during timeouts and between quarters. I think that's what gets me the most - wearing a neutral team's apparel has an undertone of "this isn't the place I really want to be right now."

Can someone please explain to me why people do this? Is it some form of quiet protest to the fact that you're watching teams besides your own? Is it a way to disassociate yourself from the fans that you sit among? Is it some feeling of pressing obligation to wear fan apparel whenever setting foot in a stadium or arena, like it's some exclusive club that won't let you in if you don't fit the dress code? (By the way, if you answered "yes" to that last one, then you probably wore your NFL team's jersey last Thursday night for the first round of the draft, didn't you?)

It just looks stupid, like you're trying to force your allegiances on an indifferent group of people, or you're clamoring for attention because you're being different. Oh, so you're from St. Louis, taking a summer ballpark tour up the Eastern seaboard? That's great, hope you have fun, but that doesn't entitle you to wear a Pujols jersey to a Phillies/Braves game or an Ozzie Smith throwback to a Yankees/Royals game. No one cares that you're not from around here or that you're a Cardinals fan. They didn't buy tickets in hopes of meeting a Midwesterner, they came here to see a sporting event. I know you may feel a bit left out if your team isn't one of the two in the building, but it won't kill you to just wear normal clothes.

Take Me Out to the Mallgame

Now that Target Field in Minneapolis has opened its doors as the new home of the Twins, it now stands that an even 2/3 of major league ballparks have been in existence for 18 years or less. That's right, 20 out of the 30 current MLB stadiums were either nonexistent or not completed before 1992. Why do I go back to 1992? Because that is when the mold-breaker of stadiums that everyone now tries to emulate, Oriole Park at Camden Yards in Baltimore, made its entrance into society. Camden Yards signaled the ushering out of the 1970s "cookie cutter" era of multipurpose stadiums and the ushering in of the new, "modern-retro" era. Many of these new places are big improvements over the parks they replaced, and are much more comfortable and navigable for fans.

The interesting thing that has developed as these new stadiums have popped up all over the country is that there seem to be a great deal of similarities between all of them - wide concourses, comfortable seats, luxury suites, an attempt a nice city view where possible. Ironically, so many franchises have tried to copy the uniqueness of Camden Yards that all these gorgeous new stadiums now seem to comprise a nouveau cookie cutter era. What's more is that every stadium now goes over the top with the amenities designed to enhance the fan experience, but end up directing peoples' attention everywhere but toward the field. Once everyone is inside the stadium's gates, it seems more and more that the objective is not for them to enjoy the game, but to get them to spend as many dollars as possible - hence the term "mallpark."

It's great that we now have more food choices, beer choices, and a much easier time getting from our seats to the concession stand or bathroom and back. No one will take issue with that. I am not the biggest fan of the new Yankee Stadium for a variety of reasons, but I'd be nuts not to take the new concourse over the old one. But my problem is with all the other stuff, like the Phanatic Build-a-Bear Factory at Citizens Bank Park, the aptly named "Kiddie Field" pictured above at Citi Field, the lame ass Peter Max art gallery that thankfully didn't last the whole season at Yankee Stadium last year, or the "it stopped being cool 8 years ago" pool in right-center at the airplane hangar that the Diamondbacks call home. It's almost as if these teams are now saying, "OK, thanks for coming to our stadium, you now have the option to watch a professional sporting event up close, or if that doesn't sound like fun, you can go check out all these other gimmicky things in here for 3 hours instead."

Like many who hail from South Jersey, I grew up going to games at Veterans Stadium. Anyone who has followed sports even moderately in the past 10-15 years knows how much of a dump that place was. Cold, cavernous, dirty, and unpleasing to the eye, the Vet did, however, ensure that you weren't preoccupied with unnecessary goings-on around you and simply (gasp!) paid attention to the game taking place. I'm not trying to muse like an old codger about "how we had it in my day," because I'm 24, not 84. And I do know that teams don't put all this stuff into their ballparks without research showing that enough people will enjoy it. Hell, if it gets people into the building who may otherwise not be interested in going, then it's a success. However, I don't want to see a generation of kids have to be tricked into liking baseball by all the peripheral stadium attractions. It's fine if they originally want to go for the mascot races or the stuffed animals at the team store, but I hope to goodness that they want to come back because of the 450-foot homer or the nifty 4-6-3 double play they saw. This is our concern, dude.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: Shopping

Need any further evidence at all that males and females are different species? Look no further than the shopping mall. We all need to go to the mall at some point, whether it be to buy holiday or birthday presents, or some new work clothes, or (gritting my teeth) shoes. Some people treat this consumer experience as a necessary evil, a pain-in-the-ass of an afternoon that can not end quickly enough. Others, well, they treat this as a sacred pastime. They're not just going out to "buy stuff." No, they're going shopping, which is a totally different animal - an animal that I just do not get.

Go to the profile of any female friend you have on Facebook and there are good odds that her interests will include "Shopping!" They even have shopping uniforms. Uniforms, you say? Think about it. You can imagine thousands of girls with money to burn going through the same checklist on a Saturday afternoon before hitting malls all across the country. Uggs? Check. Sweat pants? Check. North Face fleece? Check. Gigantic sunglasses? Check. Starbucks latté? Check. And there you have it - the shopping uniform.

It's not merely the act of buying things that they really love. We could only wish it were that simple. It's the chance to spend time with these luscious items that are most likely not needed, the chance to waste a salesperson's time trying on those $500 shoes you're never going to buy just so you can amble around a store for 4 minutes pretending to be Blake Lively. It's the chance to earn bragging rights with your friends (and rivals) that you got that same pair of jeans for $5 less than they did. It doesn't matter that you spent 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot, wrestled your way through a crowd of people at the clearance rack because you scouted the location the night before and knew exactly where that pair would be, waited for a half hour in line under one of those 125-degree store lighting systems, and will spend at least another 20 minutes trying to get out of the damn parking lot. No, that doesn't matter at all. "So what if I wasted an entire afternoon? Don't you understand, I got the same pants as Jamie, for $5 less! That bitch is gonna freak out! This is gonna be great!!!!!"

It's a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario, but just look at how products aimed toward females are marketed; they have the tireless shopper eating out of their hands. Go into a womens' shoe store or a Bath and Body Works, and you see about 9,000 variations of the same product. The funny thing is, it's all in an effort to attract people who already own the very things in the store. "Oh, I already have 15 pairs of black heels, but isn't this pair just to die for? And oohhh, look at this new chamomile-mocha-raspberry-apple body lotion! I already have gallons of the chamomile-mocha-raspberry-orange body lotion, but I have to have this too!" Who on earth needs all this garbage? No one, in actuality. But who on earth is under the impression that they need all this garbage? Enough people to keep these places in business, apparently.

In a chain of work emails that have been since lost in the mix, I was able to confer with the blog's close friend Ryan on a topic just like this one. He put it perfectly: shopping, in many ways, is a competition for women. They not only compete with each other, but with themselves. It's the challenge of walking into a mall or shopping center and seeing how much you can buy at a supposedly reduced price. To them, missing out on a sale is like being that guy who loses $200 gambling in AC on the same night all his friends win $200 each - it's a bang-your-head-against-the-wall feeling. Collecting items is the game, and shopping is how it's played.

I'm not saying men don't shop, but when they do it is with a plan and purpose, because there is undoubtedly a game on TV to get home and catch. That's one of the major differences - for women, shopping is the game, it is the entertainment, so to walk and look around aimlessly is just a way to further enjoy it. That's why you see many women go out to buy a new leash for their dog but end up coming home with so many new clothes you'd think she were going on a third world relief mission.

Now, men can be guilty of aimless store-wandering at times, but we do so when we're surrounded by golf clubs, baseball gloves, and bats. I haven't played competitive baseball in 10 years but you better believe I'm checking out the bat rack in a sporting goods store when I walk by it. But there is a major difference: we don't hold it against the opposite sex for not being willing to share this experience with us. We don't care. The fact you don't view the baseball glove wall at Dick's the way we do is A-OK. If anything, it just means you're normal. But women? Oh man, can some of them get pissed off if their husband or boyfriend doesn't enjoy shopping with them. You never, ever see those roles reversed in a relationship. Can you picture a bunch of dudes sitting at a bar and one guy is like, "yeah, man, my girlfriend didn't want to go help me pick out a new sand wedge, I'm so mad at her." I sure can't. And ladies, it's a sad truth but I'm not going out on a big limb by saying if you have yourself a man that actually enjoys shopping with you, then you have yourself a gay man, whether he has come to such a realization or not.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: Hunting

I'm not sure if I even want someone to enlighten me on this or not, but I just don't get the appeal of hunting. Hundreds of years ago? Sure. It was the only way to survive unless you lived in an area conducive to farming and could grow your own food. But in this day and age? Not so much. It baffles me to see these dudes who are gung-ho, can't-live-without-it about hunting. Now, it's not the killing of animals that really bothers me, I don't want to get anyone thinking that's the direction I'm going with this. There are areas where certain animals are overpopulated and hunting does a service to the ecosystem, and at least in this country hunting is regulated pretty well, so rest assured I'm not going to harp on moral grounds here.

No, my thing is, I just don't see how in the hell hunting is considered fun. Let me get this straight. I'm going to drive out to the middle of nowhere. I'm going to throw on some orange just in case Dick Cheney is around. I'm going to sit my ass up in a tree or face down in the middle of the weeds somewhere, oftentimes covered in some semblance of animal urine to give off the right scent. And then I'm going to....wait. And then I'm going to wait some more. I remain there and stare at nothing until, if I'm lucky, an unsuspecting deer prances by or a flock of geese fly within the range of the gun I probably paid an embarrassing sum of money for. And if I'm not freezing my ass off by that point I'll aim, fire, and hopefully be the proud owner of a nice fresh carcass that I can mount on my wall at home and use to creep people out. This is best-case scenario, by the way. You talk to people that hunt a lot and it's not uncommon for them to take these big ass hunting trips, come back empty-handed, and still somehow rave about how great of a time they had.

Oh hell yeah, that sounds like my ideal getaway, let me tell you. 36 holes at Pebble Beach, or three days of that previous paragraph repeated over and over? Wow, talk about your all-time dilemmas. Where is the sport in hunting, anyway? That's why I doubt I could ever get into it; if there's no ball it's tough for me to consider something a sport. If you're hunting with a bow and arrow, that's one thing. But you see these guys go hunting with these new high-tech guns so they can go out and shoot some oblivious primate in the back of the neck from 50 yards away? Way to go there, pal. What an act of competitive skill that is. That must have been so difficult, why don't we just tie the damn thing to a tree for you next time while we're at it? Considering that a real accomplishment is like rooting for Arnold in the first few scenes of The Terminator before Kyle Reese shows up.

And above all else, you gotta get that picture with the dead animal and you giving a big thumbs-up, or you holding the thing up by the antlers or some other dignity-robbing pose - because you know you gotta show that shit off to all your friends at your regular Mensa meetings down at Cabela's. "Aw man, look'er here at that dang stag our here boy Earl done bagged himself! Ain't he some heckuva feller?!" What cracks me up is that nobody else does this in any other hobby. I sure as hell didn't have John I take a picture of me and the loaded bar after the first time I benched over 300. And if I ever make a hole-in-one, I doubt it will cross my mind to have someone take a picture of me kneeling and pointing at the ball in the cup.

Yet hunting is a lifestyle for thousands and thousands of people out there. I guess a lot of it has to do with how and where you were brought up and what was presented to you as "fun" from a young age, but I can't just write it all off to that. Maybe it's just the cynic in me, but I'm guessing a lot of hunters just love it because it's one of the only ways to get away from their wives for more than 20 minutes. OK, it's definitely the cynic in me. But I know you were nodding your head, don't deny it.

They Paved Common Sense, and Put Up a Parking Lot - The Drive-Through Edition

Maybe my expectations for this human race are just too high. Or maybe I'm just too observant for my own good. Either way, the epidemic of human beings without presence of mind or concern for others has now spread to the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through. Like many a corporate asshole, I like to stop by Dunkin' on the way to work most days for my commute coffee. On its best days, the drive-through is wonderful, you hardly even have to come to a complete stop. On its worst days, it is an exquisite portrait of human stupidity.

The mopes in the drive-through ordering breakfast for their whole office, or three different types of bagels that all need to be toasted, or 12 different types of donuts for a dozen, they are a very select group of people with the ability to make me laugh and curse at the same time. And on a side note, don't you just love the arrogant dildos that take 5 minutes just to describe how they take their coffee? "Um, yes, I'll have a medium, no wait, make that a large hazelnut with one and a half packets of Splenda and 2 ounces of 1% milk." One time I was behind someone who actually asked for one packet of Sweet & Low and one packet of Equal. What?! Are you serious?? I'd hate to be the poor guy behind the counter when that girl rolls up in her Prius thinking she's at her own personal kitchen. I'll bet he wishes (CAUTION: TOYOTA JOKE AHEAD) her car gets to acting like a lot of its brothers and sisters have lately.

Please, if your order is sizable, somewhat specialized, or requires any heating at all, go inside. You are defeating the purpose of the drive-through, the line is starting to spill back out onto the road, and everyone behind you is bemoaning your existence. And for the sake of everything that is Holy, PAY WITH CASH. If you won't listen to me, at least listen to George Carlin on the same subject (around the 9-minute mark). It is on this token that I'd propose to the Judicial Board of Common Sense a $5 limit on any drive-through order between the hours of 6:30-9 AM, Monday-Friday, as well as a restriction on ordering food items that require any sort of preparation or toasting and a cash-only rule during those same hours. The result? A drive-through line that keeps moving and doesn't stop for 10 minutes because some Big Bertha is up there buying half the store.

It is imperative to understand that not all drive-throughs are to be treated equally. Dunkin' Donuts is not McDonald's or Burger King, especially on a weekday morning. You are there to get in and get out, and the drive-through is just a measure taken to further streamline the process. At a regular fast food place, the drive-through is the norm if you are not intending to eat there, and no order of any size (within reason) is considered outrageous. You know why? Because the food is ready-made at those places; the preparation doesn't require much more than throwing the stuff into a bag. This is rarely the case at a Dunkin' Donuts, unless you're just getting a black coffee, a plain untoasted bagel, or a simple donut or two.

Think of a McDonald's drive-through as the left lane on a 40-mph road with a lot of traffic lights. Yes, you're technically there because you want to go faster, but in the end you know you'll never be going too much faster than everyone else anyway. The Dunkin' Donuts drive-through, on the other hand, should be thought of as the left lane on a freeway. It is plainly understood that you are there to get moving and stay moving, and those who will knowingly be going slow need to stay the hell out.

Things Grown Men Should Not Do

To each his own...to an extent. People have the right to express themselves, but there is a fine line between self-expression and self-embarassment. I have arrived at a list of things that grown men should simply not do. Typically, people hold on to the past. Let go. For your own good, live in the the now. Without further ado, things grown men should not do:

1. Grow a ponytail. Give me something to be sick in. A ponytail is a feminized mullet. Are these guys for real? Their ponytail agenda varies with their age bracket. The age 18-23 bracket ponytailers are either total slobs, raging liberals, or both. Usually both, actually. Ponytailers age 24-30 rock the ponytail because someone told them it was cool while they were in college, or working at Barnes and Noble. However, they fail to realize they have outgrown the "oh he's young" excuse for having a ponytail.  Guys between age 30-40 who have a ponytail are quite lost.  They are unable to come to grips with the fact that their 20's are no more.  You hair will not serve your mojo, as Samson's hair served his strength.  They could also be some sort of organized crime hitman type that has a greasy ponytail coupled with a $5000 Armani suit, and a home decorated in zebra patterns.  Guys with ponytails past age 50 are either complete slobs, or in complete denial of their age.

2.  Earrings.  Unless you're a pro athlete, musician, or someone who doesn't need to impress anyone with a professional appearance, do not get your ears pierced.  I am not talking about guys with 37 piercings on their ears and throughout their face, they waived bye-bye to respect long ago.  The individuals I am referring to are grown men who get a stud or some sort of rock on their ear.  They think having that earring makes them stand out as rebellious, outgoing, cool big shots.    Roughly 99.99% of grown men who get their ears pierced  are kidding themselves.  They get some ridiculous diamond or CZ bling on each ear under the notion they're millionaire celebrities.  In reality, this is far from the truth.  Often times, the guy is an insecure nitwit trying to put on a big shot cool guy facade.  Younger guys who get their ears pierced don't care what you think, and get their ears pierced to let you know it.  They want you to know they can go to a movie on a school night, **snap**, like that.  Also, it's another case of the white man ripping off the black man's style.  Most white guys don't have the charisma or soul to pull off a diamond stud.   It's the truth.  The fact is, black people are much cooler than white people.  Let's be honest, virtually all grown men who have no business wearing earrings are desperate old white guys.

3. Wearing graphic tees.  I never bought into the graphic tee phenomenon.  I don't get how a grown man could walk around in Ed Hardy or Couture graphic clothing.  Mostly, it's excessively macho types with a hell of a lot to prove.  It's tattooed clothing.  The graphic clothing I find most irritating is the kind covered in glittery sequens and shiny designs.  If this stuff were made for jogging at night it would be perfect because a cars headlights would reflect off me as if I were a tinsel christmas tree with legs.  Would I wear it in public?  No.  Look at this piece of tacky shit on the left.  It screams "I'm an insecure asshole, and I hope you find the intricate designs on my graphic tee intriguing, which will lead to you thinking I am the man because I spent 80 dollars of my hard earned money working as a bouncer because I think I can be an ultimate fighter like Randy Couture.  Without this shirt, I'm just some meathead shmuck on wheels with anger issues.  I hope you hate your parents and are looking for a guy with no future to piss them off.".  This look is often coupled with a nice chin strap and memorial forearm tattoos for friends who died racing their suped up Honda Civics.

4.  Forearm tattoos.  Unless you are truly a badass biker for life or were in the military, dont get forearm tattoos.  Just don't.  Is a lifetime of credibility worth a few years of youthful rebellion?  It's not that getting forearm tattoos is a completely impractical action.  It's the thought process behind getting one that pisses me off.  That drive some people have to constantly prove themselves, and seek approval from their peers baffles me.  What is it that these guys are trying to prove?  Often times, these tattoos aren't even an attempt at significance.  Typically, they are stupid nonsense like dragons, dice, flaming wheels, skulls, and other toolbag nonsense.  It's hypermacho bullshit.  Take it easy, Francis.

5.  Complain excessively about the weather. Granted, it snowed alot this winter.  I know it sucked.  Button your coat, put on your hat, shovel the driveway, grumble it's cold out and be done with it.  Grown men have no business complaining excessively about the weather.  If it's cold out, deal with it.  Do not give in to the media's constant coverage of the weather whenever there is snow, rain, sleet, wind, or anything besides 75 and sunshine.  Just carry on business as usual.

6.  Drive miniature cars.  The only tiny vehicle grown men should be driving are golf carts.  Do these guys driving Mini Coopers, Beetles, Smart cars have any idea how ridiculous they look in those wind up cars?  Keep your damn toys in the yard. You aren't saving any money on gas, don't even start that shit. I know you think you're cool because you drive an environmentally friendly little green car with just enough room for you and your backpack that you take with you on your little adventures to museums, coffee shops, and libraries.  Nothing gets me more pissed off than when I am trying to park, and I see what I think is an open spot in an ideal location, only to discover some tool has parked his motorized Little Tikes car in my would-be spot.  The tiny cars were cool when you were a lad, time to grow up and get something that might give you some modicum of respect. 

I am sure there are a number of other things grown men should not do, but for now the above will serve as the groundwork for a better future. 

They Paved Common Sense, and Put Up a Parking Lot

Ever think about how much time we spend in parking lots? From tailgating before a game to just driving around looking for a place to park at work or a crowded mall, the time clocked in parking lots or garages adds up quicker than you'd think. So of course, if people spend enough time in a certain setting, there are bound to be a few annoying things going on. For tonight I'll point out three and then get back to not watching the Pro Bowl.

1. "Stay within the lines, the lines are your friends" - Remember this lesson that you learn while coloring in kindergarten? Well, the guy with the spanking new car must have forgotten it, because he's got his new puppy straddling two spots near the end of the parking lot, just to be totally sure that no one parks near him. Believe me pal, when you park that far away, it's never going to be terribly crowded with cars, so the option of actually parking within the confines of the painted stripes is not going to backfire on you. I know it's tough for you to not look like a self-important douche, but allow me to quote Tom Arnold in Austin Powers: just grab a hold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell. Come on, we're gonna get through this!

2. The domino effect of bad parking. This is a phenomenon in its own right that is only done justice by photographical evidence, but you know what I'm talking about. You get this a lot in parking garages with tight or diagonal spots. One person parks crooked or uneven (or both), which throws off the person parking next to them (because if they park evenly in their spot they won't have room to open the door and get out), and the next person, and so on and so on. So don't be that guy or that girl who throws off the entire row. Straighten yourself out, because you never know how karma will come back at you. Just ask this guy. (Not that it's related to anything, but who can pass up a chance at a Favre jab?)

3. If you are about to immediately walk indoors from the parking lot, take the sunglasses off. You may have to take a big leap of faith and just trust me on this one, but if you walk from the car to the building without your sunglasses on, I don't think you're going to get hounded by paparazzi. So unless you're about to spend an extended period of time outside once you get out of the car (i.e. you're tailgating, heading to the beach, or taking a walk around a park), leave the sunglasses in the car. The only other mitigating circumstance is if you expect to have to field a fly ball at some point between the car and the building. And since there usually aren't many dudes hitting fungoes at unsuspecting people in parking lots, we can rule that one out too. Although it does give me an idea to spice up the morning at work....

"Thanks, I Appreciate It" - Part One

I've spent plenty of time musing about the lack of etiquette (see the award-winning "License and Registration, Please" 3-part series) already, but now we must spend a minute on misplaced and/or phony efforts of gratitude.

Please please please stop the excessive use of "Thank You" at the office. I feel like I hear "thank you" and "thanks" so damn much during the day that it puts that circa-1999 Alanis Morissette song in my head (you know, the one with the piano background, the one where she went pseudo-nude in the music video and officially jumped the shark). I understand being courteous and all, but it's gone over the top. You don't need to thank me for simply doing my job - I get a paycheck deposited into my bank account every Friday that serves that purpose.

It's even at the point that I see a ton of people with "Thanks," preceding their default email signatures. So you're telling me that you find it necessary to thank someone every single time you send an email? Half the emails I send at work involve telling people how or why they've just screwed something up, followed by detailed backup and explicit instructions on how to unscrew the situation. You can bet your last dime those emails do not include the words "thank you" at the end, because I do not believe in thanking people for being inadequate and wasting my time.

Thanking people at every turn, regardless of the quality of their actions, is a fertility drug for mediocrity. It's like having "4th-place" or "Participant" ribbons hanging up on your wall as a kid, or your parents slapping onto the fridge a science test with a nice 80 on it. People should be thanked for exceeding expectations, not for going through the motions. Those who overuse phrases of gratitude are either way too easy to please, or they operate on autopilot and don't pay enough attention to what comes out of their mouth. But maybe I'm the weird one.

Surgeon General's Warning

Peering out the office window on a cold and dreary winter afternoon, I can't help but snicker at the crowd of poor saps huddled outside the building. They are always there at their regular intervals, not because they are locked out, but because they're smoking.

Maybe I'm going to offend a lot of people, but if you were born circa 1975 or later and you smoke, well, you my friend, suck. It's one thing if you're from an older generation when smoking was pretty much a universally accepted practice. But if you grew up in the mid '70s or later, as the anti-smoking movement really gained legs (although the United States banned cigarette TV commercials in 1971), you have no excuse to be a smoker besides the fact that you are a weak person.

Be honest. You started smoking in high school or maybe even in college, as a way to rebel against your parents and try to be cool. And maybe it worked. Maybe it made you cool in high school and launched a series of events that got you to second base on your prom night. And now you can't stop. Now you're spending 8 bucks a pack. Now you're told to get the hell out of the bar if you want to light up. Now the value of your property plummets if you smoked inside on a regular basis. Now your insurance rates are higher. Now you can't seem to get up and down the basketball court in those pickup games quite like you used to, and you always feel a bit extra tired. Now your clothes stink and your voice is starting to get raspy.

"Oh, but I have a stressful job, I need it to relax." Riiiiight (you know, you could try working out a few times a week to alleviate that stress, but you're too tired for that, yes?). "Oh, it's ok, I only have a few when I'm drunk." Uh-huh. You were weak then because you started smoking as an all-out effort for short-term social status, and you're weak now because a.) you can't admit to such things, and b.) you can't commit yourself to quitting. I love how these morons in my office, the vast majority of whom blow at their jobs as it is, take 30-45 minutes out of their day to bundle up, go out into the piss cold of January, and slowly kill themselves. So you're that committed to your little habit that you'll go through such measures just to knowingly harm yourself, but somehow finding it in you to kick said habit is "too tough?"

I find it even funnier (and by funnier, I mean terrible) when a woman gets pregnant, valiantly manages to not smoke for 9 months, and then practically has the lighter ready the second that baby is popped out of there. So let me get this straight - you were motivated enough to not harm your yet-to-be-born baby as it grew inside you for 9 months, but not motivated enough to keep from subjecting it to secondhand smoke thereafter?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start working on opening up a hot chocolate/coffee/donut stand right next to where all the aforementioned Mensa members congregate outside the office. If everyone else is making money off of these shitbirds, then I might as well too.

Pillars of Meaningful Conversation

Have you ever been stuck in a conversation with someone (co-worker, relative, significant other, stranger you just met at a bar and now regret walking over to, etc.) and been so disinterested that you'd consider trading places with this guy just to get to hell out of there? I feel like I have been on the receiving end of entirely too many of these exchanges in recent years. Here are a few pitfalls that can make people sound like a cross between a vacuum cleaner and a yipping 9-lb terrier dog.

1. Understand if you are not interesting -- There is nothing wrong with being on the plain or boring side when it comes to personality. There really isn't. But if you can not recognize that you will not exactly be having Dos Equis commercials made about you anytime soon, then you are now committing a punishable social offense. There are a few interesting things about myself, and otherwise I'm not that exciting of a person. I can live with that. But does it get much worse than people who feel obligated to tell you, without being asked, about their trip to Florida last week, or how they cooked the crab legs they had for dinner the other night, or what time they get up in the morning? Oh wow, so you went on vacation to Florida and it was really warm, huh? You had martinis while lounging under a palm tree? Phenomenal! That is so great you brought that up, because 24 years of life and 16 years spent in school somehow earned me the ability to infer that it's warm in Florida and that makes for an enjoyable time more often than not. Now, if you met Jack Nicholson while you were on vacation, or you swam with dolphins, that is actually interesting. What you had for breakfast, however, is not interesting. Please learn that difference.

2. Talking about people you don't know -- You get this a lot with relatives telling you about their grandkids, who are your 5th cousins or whatever, and in that case you just have to feign interest and deal with it. Oh, so my 2nd cousin once removed whom I've met once and who lives 2000 miles away got a B in high school chemistry? Oh wow, I wonder what the going rates are for billboards, I gotta announce that shit to the world. This happens a lot on holidays and whatnot and usually there's some beer around and something on tv, so you can get through it.

When non-relatives do this, it is 20 times worse. You get this a lot with the self-important career types. I've never met your boss or these 9 co-workers you are talking about, so what significance does this rambling hold for me, your audience? Am I just supposed to be impressed because you had a conference call this morning with these faceless names about cc'ing people on emails? I have an ex-girlfriend (and if you're reading this, which I doubt, well, I don't care anyway) that once cornered John I for half an hour on this rant about how her parents loved her sister more than they loved her, blah blah blah blah blah, while John (who did not know any of the people she was bitching about) and I were trying to watch a baseball game. It got so bad I had to apologize to John afterward for subjecting him to such drivel. Even if he had known any of the people she were talking about, what could he possibly do about the situation? There was no meaning behind that 30 minutes' worth of hot air other than casting a lure for sympathy.

3. Complaining about everyday things -- We all have to deal with traffic. We all have to deal with the cold in the winter. When it rains, it rains on all of us. We all pay more than we'd like to for gas. None of us particularly like getting up for work in the morning or working long hours. We've all waited in a long airport line or had a train get delayed. SUCK IT UP. There are few larger turnoffs than a person who acts as if any sort of transgression or inconvenience that goes against them is the biggest catastrophe in the world. Just because the traffic light turned red on you does not mean that the transit authority has a vendetta against you. On the other hand, maybe they do, if they've ever heard you talk.

4. Overuse of superlatives -- I did not major in English, nor would I consider myself anything resembling a linguist. But what I do know is that the words in our language have stand-alone meanings intended for the efficiency of communication. For example, ever hear someone, often times a newscaster or other dim-wit, exclaim they are "absolutely amazed!" The word "amaze" and all its forms are superlatives - they stand alone. There are no separate levels or degrees of amazement, there is just amazement itself. Saying another word in front of it is a waste of time and of breath. There are other examples - "that was a very key play in this game," "I was totally shocked," "this pizza is so awesome!" "what an incredibly perfect throw!". Those who overuse superlatives or try to further pump up powerful words are often compensating for and/or navigating attention away from the fact that the rest of what they have to say is garbage.

So, until next time, just remember that just because something happened to YOU, does not necessarily make it engaging subject matter for other people.

License and Registration, Please - Part One

First off, this is not intended to sound like I'm pining for the ways of the world to change just so they can fit the very way that I see things. If you want to listen to liberal high-minds who think they know "the way everything should be" that would produce undisputed utopic results, then there are plenty of other forums out there. I'm not here to complain, but to observe.

There are certain activities in life, driving a car being the ultimate example, that require education, testing, and licensing in order to partake. This is done for the ultimate safety and well-being of society. What if such a testing and licensing system were made a prerequisite for several other leisure activities? I'll use the examples of working out, golf, and casino gambling, exploring one per day.

Working Out - If you are a longtime gym-goer, you dread the month of January for the influx of New Years' Resolution people. I can't blame the gym itself for offering membership deals to out-of-shape newcomers after the holidays because that's simple market capitalization. But it burns me to the core that these new dickwads come in and by their very presence take away from the experience of the paying customers that are there 4, 5, or 6 days a week all year, every year. Why do they take away from my experience? It's not because they create a crowd, because a crowded gym is still an operable gym if it has the right layout. It's because they are uninformed, oblivious to etiquette, and just don't know the ins and outs yet. I understand everyone has to start somewhere (although I'd prefer that somewhere to not be in the same room as me), but if you are walking around with your iPod on so loud that it renders you unable to communicate with others, or you count your reps out loud so that it throws off all the red-blooded Americans in there that manage to count to themselves, or you walk too close to someone while they're in the middle of a set, then you are creating an unsavory and even unsafe environment for everyone.

-----The solution: If you join a gym, you need to pass a simple, 20-question multiple choice test in order to be able to hop right in and work out at will. The test would consist of questions about etiquette and generally accepted best practices (i.e. putting the heavier plates at the bottom of the rack, putting dumbbells back in the spot that you got them from). If you don't get an 80% or more, you have to spend four gym sessions with a trainer that will show you the ropes and point things out to you, like a remedial week. If you pass that, then you now have your exercise license and are steadily on your way to being a worthwhile member. Making someone work even just a little bit for something creates a greater appreciation for the task.