Wednesday, January 27, 2010

You Aren't Special

Stop. Just stop. It's bad enough the back of your Volkswagen is cluttered with anti-Bush, save the environment, dave matthews band, and other excessively apologetic liberal bumper stickers. We get it. You're different. Congratulations, you're so enlightened. You must be so smart. Your workouts consist of 90 minutes of stretching. You wear dark-rimmed glasses, you haven't shaved in 3 days, your hair is messy, and when you shake hands you throw a dead fish out there. Do not give me a dead fish. Shake my hand in a firm fashion. You don't have to put my hand in a vice, but let me know you're alive. I am sick of these American hipster douchebags and their tight jeans, multi-color scarfs, while wearing a pea coat. You have no edge whatsoever. You have this sense of superiority because you think your trendy stylish ways are so forward thinking.

Most often these are wealthy suburban white kids who move into major city and are desperate to shed their suburban identity. You know there are pictures of them on the wall in their parents homes with parted hair and knit sweaters. There is probably a 85-90% chance they ran cross country or track in high school. I can't even begin to comprehend the dumbass lame music they listen to. They often have bookbags with them wherever they are going. What is that all about? What do you have in there? You don't impress me. I know why you carry that stupid ass bookbag. You can't fool me. You are telling the world you're an enlightened sensitive guy who lives in the city because the suburbs are so commercial and oppressive, and you need this bag for your yoga mat, philosophy literature to read while using public transportation (because owning a car is a republican plot to pollute the atmosphere, exacerbate global warming, all in order to kill the polar bears), and nalgene bottle. As for me, I wear jeans and a polo shirt, a nice sweater or thermal, or something of the sort. Do you have a problem with me? Like all people who "don't care what others think", you are pretty damn hung up on making sure that all who see you know you don't care what they think. I'm not impressed, and you aren't special.

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