Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sh*t I Don't Understand: The "Fun Size" Edition
In an effort to keep the "Sh*t I Don't Understand" series from dominating my posts, I'd like to offer an abbreviated, capsule-like version of several things, practices, or ways of thinking that have perturbed me lately. So, without further ado, it's "Sh*t I Don't Understand," the "Fun Size" edition.
-If the title and accompanying picture remind you of the mounds of Halloween candy you'd collect as a kid, then you are not alone. But what is it with the whole "Fun Size" charade? That's the universal candy code word for "f*ing tiny?" There is nothing fun about the size of a Nestlé Crunch bar when it's about 1/8 the size of a normal Nestlé Crunch bar. To me, a "Fun Size" candy bar is one that's about two feet long and weighs 3 lbs. That's a true fun size.
-The X Games
-People walking around with iPods in situations that do not call for iPods. Unless you're working out or studying, why do you find it necessary to listen to your iPod? I used to only see it from hipsters that live in the city and want everyone to know how unique they are, but lately this practice is starting to spread. Unless you're Alex from A Clockwork Orange and you have some unquenchable desire to listen to music, take the headphones out. Is it some sort of enjoyment you take in feeling antisocial and inaccessible? Well, let me save you the trouble and say it's no skin off my ass if you don't want to talk to me. And allow the record to show that I don't want to talk to you either.
-Baseball managers who are slaves to the save statistic. It might just be an effort to keep their big-money closers happy, but it really bothers me when the pursuit of stats play too big a role in how a game is managed or coached. How many times do you see something like this: a team enters the 9th with a 4 run lead, they refrain from bringing the closer in, the guy they do bring in gives up a soft 2-out run without bringing the tying run to the plate, and the manager immediately goes to the closer because it is now technically a save situation? The closer, in turn, gets to try his hand at a cheap one-out save and likely doesn't even face the prospect of giving up the tying run. You're up 6-3 with 2 out in the 9th and a guy on first? Leave the closer in the bullpen and don't waste his arm, please. Even if the reliever you have in there gives up a 500-foot bomb, you still have the lead and now you can go to the closer. If you were that hell-bent on having your big guy slam the door in the 9th, then why didn't you bring him in to start the inning? Broadcasters fuel the fire on this annoying trend, seemingly always defending a manager when he does this with a reflex-like "well, it is a save situation now" response.
-Wearing a tattered hat, or even worse, leaving the sticker(s) on a hat after you buy the thing. But, to be fair, it accents your earrings and wifebeater very well.
-Going to a club because there is a celebrity appearance there that night. You see this garbage down in AC a lot. So let me get this straight - Kim Kardashian is going to be at Mur Mur at the Borgata on a given night, and you want me to pay $25 just to get in (after waiting in line) and then pay ballpark prices for drinks (if I'm lucky) once I actually get to the bar? And this is all so I can get a glimpse at a celebrity from 40 feet away for 10 minutes? I'm a sucker for more things than I'd like to be, but even I'm not a sucker for that crap. I just could never figure out what these dudes think is in it for them when they go to one of these places. You really think Kim Kardashian is going to spot you out of the crowd and think to herself "Damn, I wanna hook up with that guy right there. What the hell am I doing dating professional football players anyway?" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're a dude in that club on that night, all you're getting is an unclear picture on your phone and the sad first-hand proof that yes, magazines do airbrush the hell out of those photo shoots. Now, if it were someone like Snooki appearing at the club, I could almost understand it because I don't think there's a male on this Earth that doesn't have a chance with her....