C'Mon Man!

Every now and then you have to give ESPN its due, and I'll gladly say the "C'Mon Man!" segments during Monday Night Countdown are pretty funny. For those who did not watch the video I linked to, "C'mon Man!" is something of a blooper reel from the previous day's NFL games, in which each studio guy points out someone who did something stupid, goofy, annoying, or all of the above. Every time I see the segment, I feel obligated to relate it to recent people and happenings from my life and all of our lives. So, here goes:

-The Princeton Junction NJ Transit station, for giving me a $60 parking ticket for parking in the farthest stretch of their lot, in off-peak hours while all the permit holders already had a spot and there were about 100 empty spots left over. C'mon man!
-Jason Garrett and his "I went to Princeton and I want to remind you guys every chance I get how smart I am" approach to playcalling. C'mon man!
-Whoever the decision-makers are behind 75% of this year's especially terrible political commercials leading up to Election Day. C'mon man!
-Roger Goodell and the NFL's higher-ups, who in one breath tell you the game has gotten too dangerous, and in the next breath tell you the regular season should be 18 games long. C'mon man!
-Anyone I've been stuck behind on a golf course in the past 5 months. C'mon man!
-The guy who eats tuna from the can at work and stinks up the whole floor. C'mon man!
-The AL and NL Central, whose champions each got swept out of the Division Series (even though I wasn't rooting for either of them). C'mon man!
-Dudes who do curls while standing in a squat rack. C'mon man!
-Javier Vazquez, AJ Burnett, and pretty much every Yankee pitcher not named Andy, CC, Phil, Kerry, or Mariano. C'mon man!
-Dallas area sports fans and Cowboys season ticket holders, for allowing the Cowboys-Bears game in Week 2 to be played in front of 35-40% Bears fans. C'mon man!
-Anyone who plays softball and yells "left foot!" when a left handed batter comes to the plate. What the hell is "left foot?" That's the stupidest goddamn thing I've heard in my life. C'mon man!
-People who change lanes in a tight spot without signaling. C'mon man!
-Vinny from Jersey Shore acting like a total sucker for that Ramona girl in Miami. She had a body like a 10 but a face like a Yogi Berra 1953 game-used catcher's mitt. C'mon man!
-Anyone who buys jewelry from a store such as Jared, Kay, or anywhere else that makes those putrid commercials that will be consistently polluting my TV for the next 8 weeks. Buying jewelry is fine. Buying from one of those stores? Not fine. You are not only indirectly supporting those commercials, but you are also potentially contributing to more of this utter garbage down the road. C'mon man!
-Those who have lived in the Northeast their whole lives yet still react as if the next Ice Age is imminent once November hits and we see highs of less than 60. Not only does this happen every year, but two months from now you'll be killing for this kind of weather. C'mon man!

I Like A Da YouTubes, Volume III

Simply put, it's time for another Youtube post.

This first one is from Summer Heights High, the new favorite show of everyone here at the blog and a subject of an earlier post by John. The genius behind this show is unspeakable. Get to know Jonah Takalua in this video and then do yourself a favor and watch a video or two of the show's other two main characters, Ja'mie and Mr. G (there, I even typed it in the search bar for you, so now there's no excuse not to).


Our next one you may have seen before, but it's always worth looking at again. It's an impeccable RBI Baseball re-creation of the bottom of the 9th inning in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, complete with Vin Scully's play-by-play. It combines arguably the best baseball game on the original Nintendo with arguably the defining moment of baseball in the 1980s. And of course, a chance to take a dig or two at Boston.


The last video for this installment is an answer to those who contend that Jersey Shore is exaggerated. I've said it before and I'll say it again: these people exist. The best part (aside from the dude's awesome Hyundai) is the driver saying "I can't wait to watch this on fuckin' Youtube" at the end. Pure gold, it is.

In Defence of Trash TV

I may sound like I'm contradicting many of the things I've written in this space, but hear me out. As Jersey Shore's second season has premiered this week, the venom spewed last winter from atop many a pulpit and high horse across the land has been renewed as well. I can't say that the opinions of the show's detractors are exactly unfounded. I get why people scowl at the show. Many people who know me are probably surprised that I am a pretty big fan of it. So allow me to play a little devil's advocate and present my defence of Jersey Shore (yes, I used the British spelling of the word there and in the title, just for fun),

When I turn the TV on these days, probably 80% of the time it's either to watch sports or to laugh. To take something like Jersey Shore past face value is like asking for the nutrition facts of that 1/4 lb hot dog you just got from 7-Eleven. You really shouldn't do it. Being from New Jersey my whole life, I get a kick out of the show. Even though the trashiness of some of the characters is played up as the show's biggest asset (or, on second thought, maybe it doesn't need to be played up), it doesn't offend me. I've never been concerned that I may meet someone from another part of the country and they'll automatically associate me with Ronnie or Mike "The Situation" just because I live in New Jersey. Why should they? I don't have half a can of wax in my hair, I don't have any tattoos, my sunglasses only cost about $20, and (despite being an avid weightlifter) I don't own a wifebeater.

What I don't get about the outrage over Jersey Shore is that the show isn't a lie or a gross embellishment. If you put cameras in any random house in Seaside Heights even without MTV selecting a cast, the end result would not be terribly different from what we got in Season One. I know it may piss people off that Jersey Shore makes it look like the only things in Jersey are guidos, blowouts, and gold chains. But the fact that some of the finer parts of the shore and the state in general are downplayed and/or ignored on the show, that doesn't make it any less true about what does go on in Seaside. The place is a summer-resort version of Hamsterdam and has been for a while.

Here is what my main case for Trash TV boils down to - we all need some sort of outlet from our daily grind, a chance to turn our minds off for a while. Deep down, everyone has the same facets and angles to their personalities, it's just a question of which sides we let out the most often. Some choose to feed the intellectual side more, some choose to feed the humorous side more, and some choose to feed the crude and base side more. So even though I've hated on shows like Oprah, The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette, as well as celebrity gossip of all shapes and sizes, what my annoyance really comes from is when people treat such things as their most worthwhile form of entertainment. It's not the worst thing in the world to watch Trash TV, as long as you're able to admit how stupid it is. So go ahead and feed the crude and base side of your mind for a little bit. Just keep the appetite within reason.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: The "Fun Size" Edition

In an effort to keep the "Sh*t I Don't Understand" series from dominating my posts, I'd like to offer an abbreviated, capsule-like version of several things, practices, or ways of thinking that have perturbed me lately. So, without further ado, it's "Sh*t I Don't Understand," the "Fun Size" edition.

-If the title and accompanying picture remind you of the mounds of Halloween candy you'd collect as a kid, then you are not alone. But what is it with the whole "Fun Size" charade? That's the universal candy code word for "f*ing tiny?" There is nothing fun about the size of a Nestlé Crunch bar when it's about 1/8 the size of a normal Nestlé Crunch bar. To me, a "Fun Size" candy bar is one that's about two feet long and weighs 3 lbs. That's a true fun size.

-The X Games

-People walking around with iPods in situations that do not call for iPods. Unless you're working out or studying, why do you find it necessary to listen to your iPod? I used to only see it from hipsters that live in the city and want everyone to know how unique they are, but lately this practice is starting to spread. Unless you're Alex from A Clockwork Orange and you have some unquenchable desire to listen to music, take the headphones out. Is it some sort of enjoyment you take in feeling antisocial and inaccessible? Well, let me save you the trouble and say it's no skin off my ass if you don't want to talk to me. And allow the record to show that I don't want to talk to you either.

-Baseball managers who are slaves to the save statistic. It might just be an effort to keep their big-money closers happy, but it really bothers me when the pursuit of stats play too big a role in how a game is managed or coached. How many times do you see something like this: a team enters the 9th with a 4 run lead, they refrain from bringing the closer in, the guy they do bring in gives up a soft 2-out run without bringing the tying run to the plate, and the manager immediately goes to the closer because it is now technically a save situation? The closer, in turn, gets to try his hand at a cheap one-out save and likely doesn't even face the prospect of giving up the tying run. You're up 6-3 with 2 out in the 9th and a guy on first? Leave the closer in the bullpen and don't waste his arm, please. Even if the reliever you have in there gives up a 500-foot bomb, you still have the lead and now you can go to the closer. If you were that hell-bent on having your big guy slam the door in the 9th, then why didn't you bring him in to start the inning? Broadcasters fuel the fire on this annoying trend, seemingly always defending a manager when he does this with a reflex-like "well, it is a save situation now" response.

-Wearing a tattered hat, or even worse, leaving the sticker(s) on a hat after you buy the thing. But, to be fair, it accents your earrings and wifebeater very well.

-Going to a club because there is a celebrity appearance there that night. You see this garbage down in AC a lot. So let me get this straight - Kim Kardashian is going to be at Mur Mur at the Borgata on a given night, and you want me to pay $25 just to get in (after waiting in line) and then pay ballpark prices for drinks (if I'm lucky) once I actually get to the bar? And this is all so I can get a glimpse at a celebrity from 40 feet away for 10 minutes? I'm a sucker for more things than I'd like to be, but even I'm not a sucker for that crap. I just could never figure out what these dudes think is in it for them when they go to one of these places. You really think Kim Kardashian is going to spot you out of the crowd and think to herself "Damn, I wanna hook up with that guy right there. What the hell am I doing dating professional football players anyway?" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're a dude in that club on that night, all you're getting is an unclear picture on your phone and the sad first-hand proof that yes, magazines do airbrush the hell out of those photo shoots. Now, if it were someone like Snooki appearing at the club, I could almost understand it because I don't think there's a male on this Earth that doesn't have a chance with her....

Jersey... Sure

To the creators of Jersey Shore, I hate you. Its bad enough with the reputation of Philadelphia fans but when I run into people from other parts of the country I'm sure to get a Jersey Shore comment.  Yes, they are ignorant for believing that everyone from Jersey is Guido douche bag but I still rather not listen to bashing of the state and local area.  Television creators fail to realize there impact on people's perceptions of us.  I'm tired of it. 

People in foreign countries think American life is like the OC and Americans lack values.  Maybe some but do lack values but certainly not all.  In a matter public opinion, perception can become reality.

Jersey Shore is a show I finally had the displeasure of viewing recently and it wasn't much different than I expected.  In this area we all know people who act like characters in the show but they are also a little over the top.  "The Situation" are you kidding me?  Id imagine that Guidos are thinking the characters are a bit much.  I guess that's what you get when you put a camera on retards and tell them they are going to be on TV. 

Seaside Heights was the shore that my family went to growing up until about the age of 10.  The last of our regular trips occurred when on our way home we drove by a bar that featured a full on fist fight in the streets with broken beer bottles and a crowd.  It was quite a scene for a youngster to see and my Mom said we weren't coming back. So I have been back only been back about once a year since.  I have an idea of what goes on at Seaside Heights and certainly A.C. where the cast was going in the episode I saw.  MTV produces garbage television that appeals to teenage girls I get it.  However the success of Jersey Shore has transcended to the casual viewer. This is where the problem rises and the ignorant remarks about Jersey run rampant.  I suppose other states and areas deal with stereotypes too but I doubt its as bad as our area is bashed.  O well, maybe I should get over it and just stop conversing with people that cannot think for themselves and consider MTV entertaining.

Analogy of the Week

Today marks the start of a new series of weekly installments that will showcase the best analogy (idiom, metaphor, or even hyperbole, we don't discriminate here) generated that week by either myself or one of our other esteemed contributors*. Without further ado, the Analogy of the Week is:

A defense that can pressure the quarterback without blitzing is like a girl who looks good without makeup.

As the gears grind in your heads processing that one, it should all make sense very quickly. A defense that does not rely on the blitz to get to the opposing QB allows itself to do what its players were put on the field to do. Linemen rush, apply pressure and break the pocket. Corners cover. Linebackers and safeties read keys to sniff out the rest of the play. Excessive blitzing will backfire on you sooner or later (see the Jets' loss to the Colts in the AFC title game) if your opponent is prepared for it. A team that relies on the blitz to play effective defense is usually trying to mask some other weakness.

A girl who can look good even without makeup allows herself to be a complete person and bring all redeeming qualities to the table with equal emphasis. That's not to say she presents herself like a 13 year old tomboy, it just means she does not need to rely on getting totally dolled up and accessorized to make a solid self-presentation. Think Jennifer Aniston vs. J-Woww from Jersey Shore. Not the best example but it's workable. Both are very attractive in their own right, yet given the choice, you always take the one with an arsenal that goes beyond implants, eye shadow, and hair extensions. And just like a over-blitzing defense will eventually get burned, the J-Woww type girl will eventually have to deal with the lights turning on once the bar closes (or as I like to call it, "The Moment of Truth"). And finally, if I'll be allowed an unsubstantiated generalization, the girl without 9 lbs of Clinique on her face is much more likely to have a decent personality and intelligence level, while the concealer queens are usually the ones trying to compensate for the fact that they don't know the difference between Penn and Penn State.

The moral of the story is substance will take you farther than flash.

*Partial credit to Ryan, aka NotAsGoodAsYouThink's #1 Fan, whose analysis of the Jets/Colts game planted the seed for this analogy. And before I go, I will point out that you can make the same comparison by replacing a blitzing defense with either a homer-reliant baseball team or a basketball team that can't win without the 3-pointer.

Do Yourself Favors

So many things in life hinge on preparation. An extra minute of thought can make a bigger difference than you'd imagine. We've heard the sayings "put your best foot forward" and "allow yourself to succeed" for years, but far too often we don't put those maxims into practice. It's not about trying your hardest or being dedicated, etc., but more about doing the little things to accentuate your strengths and suppress your weaknesses.

I admit that this post was spurred partially by the famous "gym, tanning, laundry" clip from Jersey Shore. Like him or not, Mike "The Situation" has a point there. If you want to feel at your best, then take the necessary actions to reach that point. If your confidence will be high because you feel pumped and fresh, then so be it. Do what you gotta do.

You can take so many measures to optimize your appearance that it bothers me to see people out in public that look like total shit. Your hair doesn't look good when it gets long? Get it cut on a regular basis. You're a few pounds overweight? Don't wear horizontal stripes (and get off the couch, but we'll try to stay on topic). You're below average height? Don't wear excessively baggy pants, they make you look shorter. You're very fair skinned, even in summer? Avoid too many dark colors that make you look even whiter. Finally, keep in mind that while image isn't everything, it's quite often the only thing. Like it or not, we all make unconscious snap judgments about other people based on how they appear to us, no matter the setting. So it never hurts to spend that extra minute in front of the mirror before leaving home.

It's not limited to appearance. If you're habitually late, set all your clocks and watches 5 minutes ahead. If you know tomorrow is going to be a very busy day at work, get there a half hour earlier than usual. If you don't like to dance or simply suck at it (my hand is raised), then don't try to meet girls on the dance floor of a bar or club.

It's simple. Figure out what you're good at and stick to it. Fortune favors the bold, but it also favors the smart.