Look Yourself in the Mirror

When you think of Pittsburgh, what do you think of? You think of steel mills. You think of a town with a blue-collar attitude. You think of the Steelers, the Terrible Towel, the Rooney family, and Troy Polamalu's hair. You think of Sidney Crosby (deservedly so or not). You think of PNC Park (but not necessarily the team that plays there). And if you've ever been there, you think of Primanti Brothers. You know what you don't necessarily think of? College football.

That's not a knock on the Pitt Panthers' program, because they've been more than respectable over the years. What it is, is an indictment of those who essentially ushered head coach Dave Wannstedt out the door this week. It's not that I'm a huge fan of Wannstedt (or "Wannstache," as the popular nickname goes), although as defensive coordinator with Dallas he presided over the best defense of the first half of the '90s. He was also the one who, during the 1992 NFC Championship Game, noted the 49ers' defensive backs were slipping in the middle of the field and urged Norv Turner to try to take advantage of it (skip to the 1:00 mark) at a key moment, resulting in the play that singlehandedly put the game to bed. My problem lies with college football programs that have an inflated sense of self-worth.

Wannstedt had a 42-31 record in six seasons at Pitt, including a 26-12 mark in the past 3 years. Not bad, right? Right. And when you consider it was the best 3-year run that Pitt has had since Dan Marino led them to three straight 11-1 records from 1979-81, it's certainly not too shabby. I know they play in the perennially weak Big East and failing to grab that chip-shot of a BCS berth is a slight disappointment, but come on. Have a sense of perspective. Understand that your program has not been successful enough over the years to have the right to thumb your noses at 26-12. If you're Oklahoma, Alabama, or Texas, then 26-12 might not cut it. At a place like Pitt, it should be considered a nice step forward. Yes it's a double standard, but it's nonetheless true.

Remember Jaff Jagodzinski? Sure you do. He was the head football coach at Boston College two years ago when he got fired for interviewing with the Jets for their then-vacant head coaching position. I went nuts about this when it happened and it still riles me up. Who the hell is BC to be offended if their coach pursues a chance with an NFL team? You do realize that these guys start out as grad assistants working for peanuts in hopes that one day they can sit down in a room with an NFL owner and GM for a few hours, just to have that chance, right? Boston College, which is on a similar level as Pitt - a competent program in a weak conference that has produced a fair share of NFL stars - does not have a leg to stand on when it comes to this stuff. Once again, if you're a school like LSU, Michigan, Florida, Ohio State, then ok, your head coaching job is almost as big as an NFL job would be. But no one grows up saying their dream is to be the head coach at Boston College. It just isn't the way things go. Probably about 85% of FBS coaches are working right now to try to make a big score on their next job. No one likes being a stepping stone, but if your coach wins for you and does things the right way while he's at your school, you have nothing else to really ask for.

The other thing is, college programs rarely can justify firing a successful coach on the grounds of a lack of a championship. It's just not the same deal as it is in the pros, especially considering the rate at which you have to constantly replenish your team's talent. If you win consistently and keep your program visible for the right reasons, you're doing your job. Remember, the underlying purpose of college sports as a whole is to bring positive attention to the academic institution itself. Of course it's big business, but not as big a business as the professional ranks are (at least in theory - I'm sure if you looked at the NBA's books they'd suggest otherwise).

Like the title says, Pitt needs to look itself in the mirror. OK, you're a respectable program. But you play in the Northeast, where college football is not nearly as big a priority as it is in other parts of the country. You play your home games at the Big Ketchup Bottle and don't exactly fill it. The athletic department's meal ticket, for the most part, is still basketball. Who do you think you're going to get to replace Dave Wannstedt that is really going to be any better than he was? To paraphrase Rick Pitino - Bob Stoops is not walking through that door. Mack Brown is not walking through that door. Nick Saban, Les Miles, Mike Gundy, Chip Kelly, Jim Harbaugh - none of them are walking through that door. I do know a guy who'd come through that door, but you may have to widen it first. And he might not be actually "walking" through that door, he may be cruising in on a little motorized shopping cart.

I Like A Da YouTubes, Volume III

Simply put, it's time for another Youtube post.

This first one is from Summer Heights High, the new favorite show of everyone here at the blog and a subject of an earlier post by John. The genius behind this show is unspeakable. Get to know Jonah Takalua in this video and then do yourself a favor and watch a video or two of the show's other two main characters, Ja'mie and Mr. G (there, I even typed it in the search bar for you, so now there's no excuse not to).


Our next one you may have seen before, but it's always worth looking at again. It's an impeccable RBI Baseball re-creation of the bottom of the 9th inning in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, complete with Vin Scully's play-by-play. It combines arguably the best baseball game on the original Nintendo with arguably the defining moment of baseball in the 1980s. And of course, a chance to take a dig or two at Boston.


The last video for this installment is an answer to those who contend that Jersey Shore is exaggerated. I've said it before and I'll say it again: these people exist. The best part (aside from the dude's awesome Hyundai) is the driver saying "I can't wait to watch this on fuckin' Youtube" at the end. Pure gold, it is.

That's Your Mayor

Now that we're on the topic of ill-informed politicians when it comes to sports, I can't pass up this chance to take a little jab at that city in Massachusetts where pronouncing the letter "R" is optional, but obnoxious sports fandom is mandatory. The above video is from a ceremony in Boston to unveil a new Bobby Orr statue outside of TD Garden. The man speaking (and I use that term loosely, since he sounds like he has rubber cement in his mouth) is, remarkably, Mayor Thomas Menino. That's right, the Mayor of Boston managed to confuse Adam Vinatieri with Jason Varitek at the end of that little speech, which also included him labeling some of the city's great athletes and moments as "ionic" as opposed to "iconic." I guess he means that Boston athletes are so great, not only are their accomplishments celebrated for generations, but they are also able to form non-metal/metal compounds.

So apparently, it was Jason Varitek kicking the field goals that provided the winning margins in Super Bowls XXXVI, XXXVIII, and XXXIX. And I guess that means Adam Vinatieri is actually the switch-hitting catcher who sports a garish eyesore of a captain's "C" on his jersey. Could have fooled me. Although, in a certain respect, I can see how Mr. Menino can get the two of them confused these days. Considering how bad the Sawks have been at stopping base stealers, they might as well have Adam Vinatieri back there behind the plate. But alas, don't fret dear Chowderheads. This tidbit of embarrassment will be gone shortly, when something else becomes the story du jour, at which point we'll simply go back to disliking your city for the usual offenses, i.e. bestowing the Dropkick Murphys upon the world and being the reason that ESPN is 80% unwatchable on a good day.

The Trite Utterances of Subpar Sports "Fans", Volume One

The word "fan" is short for "fanatic." Thus, there is no such thing as a "casual fan." Casual fanatic? That's an oxymoron, it doesn't work. Casual follower, casual supporter, casual observer? Fine, fine, and fine. Should you dub yourself an actual fan, then you need to back it up. You need to know your team's players (I'm talking uniform numbers, ages, college attended if applicable, other organizations played for if any, and what their typical statistical seasons look like), coaching staff, front office figures, history (can't stress that enough), strengths, and weaknesses. You also must know virtually as much about your team's rivals - like they say, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Immerse yourself in the daily goings-on of the seasons. The more time and energy you invest, the more you get out of it on the good days, and the more right you have to be critical on the bad days. But even fandom has a limit. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, you do not - you DO NOT refer to your team as "We."

The notion of "we" struck a chord with me when I was 12 years old and read this Rick Reilly column in SI about the Chicago Bulls dynasty. Reilly waxes poetic here:
"Most of all, I'm sick of Bulls fans. I'm sick of every fat, balding dry cleaner from Rockford wearing a number 23 jersey, screaming, 'Yeah, baby. We did it!' No, sir, you did not do it. They did it. You ingested nine Stroh's and three brats and sat in your Barcalounger screaming things nobody could hear, including your wife, who left in March."

With few exceptions, "we" is something said by a follower of sports who ultimately does not get it. It is a term used by bandwagon jumpers and by all others who lack perspective in one way or another. It is something said by people who own a green alternate t-shirt or jersey of their team even when the team has no green in its color scheme, just so they can wear it on St. Patrick's Day. It's for people who buy the authentic hat but never take the stickers off of it or wear it enough to break it in. It's for people who go to a bar clad in their team's gear yet have their backs turned to the TV on which their team is currently playing. It's for chowderheads up in Boston to say things like "we gat Lestah stahtin' tonight, and we gat Pahhpullbahhnn too!"

Let's make it clear. Unless you are on the roster or work for the team in a capacity larger than taping ankles or scanning ticket stubs, there is no "we." Stop trying to put yourself on the level of the most skilled athletes in the world, because, (brace yourself for this) that's not what you are. I am the biggest Cowboys and Yankees fan you will meet, but I understand that when either one of my teams win, it's because of a catch Jason Witten made in traffic and a big fumble forced by DeMarcus Ware, or because of a 2-out knock by Derek Jeter and a Houdini act pulled in the 6th by Andy Pettitte. It's not because of anything I did (my superstitious habits notwithstanding), it's all because of things they did. And interestingly enough, how often do you ever hear people say "we" in regards to their team after a bad game or bad season? It seems that "we" becomes a "they" pretty quickly when the other team has a bigger number on the scoreboard.

There are exceptions, like I said before. I don't mind someone saying "we" if they are related to someone on the team, or if they are a retired iconic figure for a certain team (i.e. if Bill Russell wants to refer to the Celtics as "we," it's not a problem). If you root for a college team and are currently enrolled at that school, then say "we" all you want. After you graduate, you have a few year grace period to say "we" as long as there are still guys playing on the team who were there when you were in school. After that, your alma mater's teams cease being a "we" or "us."

And finally, if you are a member of the media, saying "we" is forbidden - even if you work for a local network, even if you work for a local network as devoid of professionalism as those in the Philadelphia market. Mitch Williams makes himself sound like the biggest moron homer in the world when he refers to the Phillies as "we" while working as television analyst. There's no place for that on the radio, on television, or in print media (remember what that is?). Can't have it, no matter the forum.

All I ask is that you listen to yourself when you speak. When you do so, not only will you sound more articulate, but it will also give you a new found outlook on the way people express themselves. Plus it lets you enjoy the pastime of making fun of those who fail to listen to the words that come out of their very own mouths. A dual-serving purpose if I've ever seen one.

Super Blah, Part I - "The Maria Menounos Factor"

Yes, that is a picture of Dwight Freeney's ankle. There was a memo sent out by CBS, ESPN, and NFL Network this week to anyone writing about the Super Bowl stating that it was mandatory to mention Dwight Freeney's ankle at least once. So now that that's out of the way....

I love the Super Bowl. Love love love it. I read every Super Bowl book I could get a hand on as a kid and have seen almost all of NFL Network's America's Game documentaries. I can name for you, on command, the winner, loser, score, starting quarterbacks, head coaches, MVP, and host city/stadium of EVERY single Super Bowl. I have always been in awe of it for what it is - the ultimate game of football played by 106 men who have earned the right to be referred to as the two best football teams on the face of the earth for that year.

But what I can't take is the bastardization of it all. The onslaught of Super Bowl hype is legalized torture. It's just too much. It was too much 10 years ago. I wince at the thought of what it will be 10 years from now. However, the actual football-related overload is not what gets to me; hell, in three days we won't even have a football game to overanalyze for another 7 months. It's the mass-media blitz that takes place, a storm that occurs when those without sufficient knowledge or interest in the game try to descend upon it as if their last name is Unitas or Parcells.

I call it "The Maria Menounos Factor." When you have a major sporting event and the likes of Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, etc. send people to cover it, the event itself has officially been exploited beyond its true meaning. The Super Bowl has been more commercialized than Christmas, and sadly, the World Series is not far behind. Why do I name this after Maria Menounos? If you don't know who she is, she's a nice looking little number who corresponds for Access Hollywood and The Today Show and every so often tries to act like a big sports fan because she's from Massachusetts and someone told her that Boston teams have had a fair amount of success recently. So you get her prancing around in Red Sox attire at the All Star Celebrity Softball Game or tossing the ball around in Patriots gear at Gillette Stadium (sweet Steve Grogan throwback, no way she knows who he is).

All that would be well and good if she or any of her colleagues actually knew what the hell was going on. At the World Series last year, our self-proclaimed huge Red Sox fan was overheard before interviewing Mariano Rivera, "is he a pitcher?" Excuse me? My mom knows who Mariano Rivera is and she watches about 20 minutes of baseball a year. You say you're a huge sports fan and that question comes out of your mouth? If it were me running the show, I'd have Maria stand in the batter's box against one of Mariano's cut fastballs - guaranteed she'd remember he's a pitcher after that.

What I'm getting at is this: the Super Bowl has become such a hype machine that it commands the attention of those in the media who are much better suited talking about what size latté Paris Hilton got from Starbucks yesterday than trying to talk about Peyton Manning and Drew Brees. No one is saying that you have to be able to explain a zone blitz, a Cover 2, or a West Coast Offense in order to get a media credential for the Super Bowl, but please understand your setting. Your groundbreaking stories about whether Reggie Bush is going to propose to Kim Kardashian, or your questions about what brand of chewing tobacco Jeremy Shockey prefers are a colossal waste of time. There is a time and place for such talk, but not now nor here.

You are dragging down the enjoyment level of those who treat sports as a priceless hobby or pastime. Real football fans on Super Bowl week are like devout Christians on Easter, annoyed at the clutter and inconvenience caused by the throngs that only show up once a year. It should be one of the biggest days of the year, but you can't embrace it because someone's sitting in your seat.