Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Things Grown Men Should Not Do

To each his own...to an extent. People have the right to express themselves, but there is a fine line between self-expression and self-embarassment. I have arrived at a list of things that grown men should simply not do. Typically, people hold on to the past. Let go. For your own good, live in the the now. Without further ado, things grown men should not do:

1. Grow a ponytail. Give me something to be sick in. A ponytail is a feminized mullet. Are these guys for real? Their ponytail agenda varies with their age bracket. The age 18-23 bracket ponytailers are either total slobs, raging liberals, or both. Usually both, actually. Ponytailers age 24-30 rock the ponytail because someone told them it was cool while they were in college, or working at Barnes and Noble. However, they fail to realize they have outgrown the "oh he's young" excuse for having a ponytail.  Guys between age 30-40 who have a ponytail are quite lost.  They are unable to come to grips with the fact that their 20's are no more.  You hair will not serve your mojo, as Samson's hair served his strength.  They could also be some sort of organized crime hitman type that has a greasy ponytail coupled with a $5000 Armani suit, and a home decorated in zebra patterns.  Guys with ponytails past age 50 are either complete slobs, or in complete denial of their age.

2.  Earrings.  Unless you're a pro athlete, musician, or someone who doesn't need to impress anyone with a professional appearance, do not get your ears pierced.  I am not talking about guys with 37 piercings on their ears and throughout their face, they waived bye-bye to respect long ago.  The individuals I am referring to are grown men who get a stud or some sort of rock on their ear.  They think having that earring makes them stand out as rebellious, outgoing, cool big shots.    Roughly 99.99% of grown men who get their ears pierced  are kidding themselves.  They get some ridiculous diamond or CZ bling on each ear under the notion they're millionaire celebrities.  In reality, this is far from the truth.  Often times, the guy is an insecure nitwit trying to put on a big shot cool guy facade.  Younger guys who get their ears pierced don't care what you think, and get their ears pierced to let you know it.  They want you to know they can go to a movie on a school night, **snap**, like that.  Also, it's another case of the white man ripping off the black man's style.  Most white guys don't have the charisma or soul to pull off a diamond stud.   It's the truth.  The fact is, black people are much cooler than white people.  Let's be honest, virtually all grown men who have no business wearing earrings are desperate old white guys.

3. Wearing graphic tees.  I never bought into the graphic tee phenomenon.  I don't get how a grown man could walk around in Ed Hardy or Couture graphic clothing.  Mostly, it's excessively macho types with a hell of a lot to prove.  It's tattooed clothing.  The graphic clothing I find most irritating is the kind covered in glittery sequens and shiny designs.  If this stuff were made for jogging at night it would be perfect because a cars headlights would reflect off me as if I were a tinsel christmas tree with legs.  Would I wear it in public?  No.  Look at this piece of tacky shit on the left.  It screams "I'm an insecure asshole, and I hope you find the intricate designs on my graphic tee intriguing, which will lead to you thinking I am the man because I spent 80 dollars of my hard earned money working as a bouncer because I think I can be an ultimate fighter like Randy Couture.  Without this shirt, I'm just some meathead shmuck on wheels with anger issues.  I hope you hate your parents and are looking for a guy with no future to piss them off.".  This look is often coupled with a nice chin strap and memorial forearm tattoos for friends who died racing their suped up Honda Civics.

4.  Forearm tattoos.  Unless you are truly a badass biker for life or were in the military, dont get forearm tattoos.  Just don't.  Is a lifetime of credibility worth a few years of youthful rebellion?  It's not that getting forearm tattoos is a completely impractical action.  It's the thought process behind getting one that pisses me off.  That drive some people have to constantly prove themselves, and seek approval from their peers baffles me.  What is it that these guys are trying to prove?  Often times, these tattoos aren't even an attempt at significance.  Typically, they are stupid nonsense like dragons, dice, flaming wheels, skulls, and other toolbag nonsense.  It's hypermacho bullshit.  Take it easy, Francis.

5.  Complain excessively about the weather. Granted, it snowed alot this winter.  I know it sucked.  Button your coat, put on your hat, shovel the driveway, grumble it's cold out and be done with it.  Grown men have no business complaining excessively about the weather.  If it's cold out, deal with it.  Do not give in to the media's constant coverage of the weather whenever there is snow, rain, sleet, wind, or anything besides 75 and sunshine.  Just carry on business as usual.

6.  Drive miniature cars.  The only tiny vehicle grown men should be driving are golf carts.  Do these guys driving Mini Coopers, Beetles, Smart cars have any idea how ridiculous they look in those wind up cars?  Keep your damn toys in the yard. You aren't saving any money on gas, don't even start that shit. I know you think you're cool because you drive an environmentally friendly little green car with just enough room for you and your backpack that you take with you on your little adventures to museums, coffee shops, and libraries.  Nothing gets me more pissed off than when I am trying to park, and I see what I think is an open spot in an ideal location, only to discover some tool has parked his motorized Little Tikes car in my would-be spot.  The tiny cars were cool when you were a lad, time to grow up and get something that might give you some modicum of respect. 

I am sure there are a number of other things grown men should not do, but for now the above will serve as the groundwork for a better future. 


  1. My hand is raised on graphic tees but I'm with you on the sparkles and gems bs. Another epic post.

  2. That may set the record for most movies quoted in one post. By my count I see Wayne's World, Tommy Boy, Clockwork, Goodfellas, and Wayne's World 2. You're the Dick Fosbury of our blog.