Sunday, March 7, 2010

I Don't Care About Your Kids

I don't want any children of my own for a very long while, if it at all. That does not mean I don't like the little bastards. I think kids are great, it's parents that annoy me. As with many of my viewpoints in life, my view of children is strongly influenced by George Carlin's "Fuck The Children" rant. All of what George had to say on kids is true. It's by no fault of the child that his or her parents are either overbearing, overprotective, inept, lazy, or just not at all fit to be parents. Do not tell me how busy your weekend was because you were carting your offspring to various pointless activities. They aren't my kids, and they aren't my problem or responsibility. You and the kid's other parent made the decision the get busy, whether the kid was planned or not isn't my problem (I hate when couples say "we're pregnant. We?). Parents do a number of things to fan the fire of my resentment such as boasting how amazing their children are, micromanaging their children's lives, complaining incessantly about the bad influences on their kids, not being accountable, allowing their parental responsibilities to affect them professionally, and using parenthood as an excuse to become fat.

Parents never want to have any fingers pointed at them for their ineptitude. It's much more convenient to deflect the blame elsewhere. Kid went nuts at school? Blame the video games. Kid took steroids? Blame pro athletes. Kid just wants to party? Blame the music. You see where I'm going with this. It isn't the job of performers to raise your damn kids. Their job is to sell your kid music. The same concept applies to pro athletes, actors, and so on. Parents think these people are such big influences on their children's lives. Here's a thought, maybe the parents can influence their shitbag kids.

Boastful parents, tone it down a notch folks. Unless I've heard your kid's name on ESPN or CNN, don't bother filling me in on their empty accomplishments. It's bad enough I have to endure the Honor Student bumper stickers, now you're invading my non-driving life. I actually saw a bumper sticker that read "My child has character". Uh, your child is mediocre at best. I don't care about their dance career, college application process, or whatever it is you think they're great at. Parents excessively involved in their child's athletics need to get a grip. It's okay to be hard on your kid, provide opportunities for them to get better at what they do, and help them along the way. Is it necessary for a 12 year old youth girls basketball team from New Jersey to travel to Tennessee for a tournament? Is this really furthering their development as athletes? Youth sports are the same everywhere. Traveling great distances at a high cost does not make your kid a better ball player, nor does it make them special. Get a life. I have no problem with paying for quality instruction, it's practical. Stop with the nonsensical long distance travel. Your child is not a unique and beautiful snowflake.

It is NOT okay for you to be up the coach's ass all day for your kid's benefit. It's also obnoxious to scream at the referees, coaches, and players while attending a game. Let the coaching staff do their job. It is the staff's job to run the team, make strategic decisions, and field the best team possible. Keep your grimy hands out of it. Sports are supposed to teach kids hard work, self reliance, and what it means to accomplish something. Unfortunately, for some kids it is learning to depend on your parents when shit doesn't go their way. If your child lifts weights, works hard, shows up (have a ride), keep his mouth shut, the kid will find himself on the field. I feel bad for these coaches that have to deal with these manipulative parents. It's a problem all the way through high school. By college the pretender athletes have given it up. Get a life

A life? Remember? It's what you had before your kids were born. When you had dreams, free time, and interests. You were the most important person in your life. The kid has supplanted you. Kids have unending needs. Your lifes purpose becomes supporting the child's life. You no longer matter. Most of your goals get put on hold. In other words, you have to work like hell to provide for your children. Raising them will weather you like crazy. By the time you're done raising them you will be so burnt out and old, you'll be sitting there wondering where the hell your life went. Time and money out the window. If you're lucky, the kid will respect and appreciate what you did for them. There is a good chance your kid will be an ungrateful leetch that views you as an ATM with no servie fees. Women, childbearing will not be kind to your figure. Guys, childbearing will not be kind to your wife's figure. The little bundle of joy is great at first, little kids are fun but exhausting. Next thing you know they want cash, clothes, keys to the car, a car of their own, and they'll get tattoos and be at the local bar smoking cigarettes talking about how much they hate you.

Consider being the cool aunt or uncle. You get to enjoy the hell out of your sibling's kids without the stretchmarks. Stop complaining to me about your spawn. They aren't my damn kids, I'm not responsible for them. I am also not obligated to give a shit about them. From my point of view, I am way more important than anyone's children. Your kids are not as great as you think they are.


  1. I couldn't have said this better myself! Well done.