Stop Fixing What Isn't Broken

Wow, one hell of a national championship game we had last night, yes? The only way it could have been better would be if that half-court shot at the buzzer had fallen for Butler, but all in all you could hardly have scripted a tougher-fought or more entertaining conclusion to the college basketball season. And so what if we had to stomach Duke winning the title, because the consolation prize of "One Shining Moment" was awaiting us just a few moments afterward.

Possibly the most anticipated 3-and-a-half minute montage of the year, "One Shining Moment" is a lock to put a nice cherry on top of the tournament, regardless of how well that night's title game turned out. So you can imagine the disappointment shared by millions of Americans on the edge of their seats as they were subjected to this shit. I refuse to even embed it because I don't want to deface our blog, so you're going to have to click on the link to see what I mean. It starts innocently enough, but at the :53 mark, instead of a nice "opening tipoff" shot to go along with the opening line "The ball is tipped," we get a shot of Jennifer Hudson's fat face wailing at us. And then it didn't stop. Intermittently, it kept cutting to pre-set studio shots of Jennifer Hudson doing her best to put the song through a blender. What, 64 basketball games didn't provide CBS with enough footage to fill 210 seconds? "One Shining Moment" has never (not to my memory, at least) cut to shots of the person singing it; it just stuck to what people actually want to see - the defining images of that year's tournament. Why change that now? Is CBS trying that hard to manufacture Hudson as the next great big star?

It baffles me that CBS found it necessary to do away with the Luther Vandross version of the song that, despite not being the earlier version that really made a name for the song, did it total justice. Both versions evoked a soothing yet masculine inspirational feeling, thanks in large part to the vocal work of the men singing them. The Jennifer Hudson version? Her voice is too high and she takes every chance to inject her own style into it and try to turn it into soul music. It sounded like such canned ham that I honestly sat there hoping it was going to turn into a Rick Roll.

I don't want to rip on Jennifer Hudson too much because I remember the personal tragedy she has recently overcome. But part of me can't forget how her Super Bowl XLIII rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" went from a B+ to a D in the final 45 seconds because she tried to elongate it and soul it up. I understand she's a hell of a singer and an Academy Award winner, so questioning her talent would be stupid on my part. My real problem lies with the style, and furthermore my problem lies with those at CBS who saw it fit to hire her to apply that style to "One Shining Moment."

Certain things in civic culture and popular culture reach such high levels that there becomes only one right way to do them. There is one right way and about 4 dozen wrong ways to sing our national anthem. Similarly, you don't say the Pledge of Allegiance in a Cartman voice; you say it seriously and straightforward. Maybe we didn't realize it until CBS screwed with it this year, but "One Shining Moment" was at such a point. We like it the way it was. It is best the way it was. It is not to be modernized, enhanced, or left up to an individual performer's interpretation.

Oh well. It's just an ending montage that we'll all forget about within a week or two. I mean, at least there's not something galactically stupid going on like the NCAA expanding the tournament to 96 teams or anything. Oh wait, never mind....

They Paved Common Sense, and Put Up a Parking Lot - The Drive-Through Edition

Maybe my expectations for this human race are just too high. Or maybe I'm just too observant for my own good. Either way, the epidemic of human beings without presence of mind or concern for others has now spread to the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through. Like many a corporate asshole, I like to stop by Dunkin' on the way to work most days for my commute coffee. On its best days, the drive-through is wonderful, you hardly even have to come to a complete stop. On its worst days, it is an exquisite portrait of human stupidity.

The mopes in the drive-through ordering breakfast for their whole office, or three different types of bagels that all need to be toasted, or 12 different types of donuts for a dozen, they are a very select group of people with the ability to make me laugh and curse at the same time. And on a side note, don't you just love the arrogant dildos that take 5 minutes just to describe how they take their coffee? "Um, yes, I'll have a medium, no wait, make that a large hazelnut with one and a half packets of Splenda and 2 ounces of 1% milk." One time I was behind someone who actually asked for one packet of Sweet & Low and one packet of Equal. What?! Are you serious?? I'd hate to be the poor guy behind the counter when that girl rolls up in her Prius thinking she's at her own personal kitchen. I'll bet he wishes (CAUTION: TOYOTA JOKE AHEAD) her car gets to acting like a lot of its brothers and sisters have lately.

Please, if your order is sizable, somewhat specialized, or requires any heating at all, go inside. You are defeating the purpose of the drive-through, the line is starting to spill back out onto the road, and everyone behind you is bemoaning your existence. And for the sake of everything that is Holy, PAY WITH CASH. If you won't listen to me, at least listen to George Carlin on the same subject (around the 9-minute mark). It is on this token that I'd propose to the Judicial Board of Common Sense a $5 limit on any drive-through order between the hours of 6:30-9 AM, Monday-Friday, as well as a restriction on ordering food items that require any sort of preparation or toasting and a cash-only rule during those same hours. The result? A drive-through line that keeps moving and doesn't stop for 10 minutes because some Big Bertha is up there buying half the store.

It is imperative to understand that not all drive-throughs are to be treated equally. Dunkin' Donuts is not McDonald's or Burger King, especially on a weekday morning. You are there to get in and get out, and the drive-through is just a measure taken to further streamline the process. At a regular fast food place, the drive-through is the norm if you are not intending to eat there, and no order of any size (within reason) is considered outrageous. You know why? Because the food is ready-made at those places; the preparation doesn't require much more than throwing the stuff into a bag. This is rarely the case at a Dunkin' Donuts, unless you're just getting a black coffee, a plain untoasted bagel, or a simple donut or two.

Think of a McDonald's drive-through as the left lane on a 40-mph road with a lot of traffic lights. Yes, you're technically there because you want to go faster, but in the end you know you'll never be going too much faster than everyone else anyway. The Dunkin' Donuts drive-through, on the other hand, should be thought of as the left lane on a freeway. It is plainly understood that you are there to get moving and stay moving, and those who will knowingly be going slow need to stay the hell out.

$250 Million Sure Doesn't Buy What it Used To

I had another topic or two in the works for today, but those plans changed once I caught wind of this Oprah debacle where she thought Drew Brees' birthmark was lipstick on his face. If we really wanted to, NotAsGoodAsYouThink could write litanies for about a month straight regarding Oprah and why she sucks. But since I thought this was a fairly universal belief among those with a Y chromosome, I figured I'd hold back on making fun of Oprah and let the talking be done by the likes of Dave Chappelle and Jimmy Kimmel. Until now.

This was too good (or bad) to pass up. Not only does it tie in with my disdain for the Super Bowl crossing over into mainstream media , it lets me take a few shots at a howling windbag while going to bat for one of the most likable guys in the NFL and maybe in all of professional sports. So Oprah, you decide to have the Super Bowl MVP as a guest on your show. OK, that's understandable, since he was probably the biggest name in the news last week thanks to an historic 32-of-39 performance and the ensuing "awwwwwwwwww" moment during the celebration. You're telling me that you have not bothered to take a look at a picture of the guy, or do a little background research on his life? Brees' birthmark has been a well-documented piece of information for about a decade now, ever since he entered the spotlight while at Purdue. Maybe if you had spent 8-10 fewer minutes eating Twinkies and done just a little bit more preparation, you could have saved yourself that tidbit of embarrassment, Ms. Winfrey.

Maybe one day someone can sit me down and explain why so many people fawn over Oprah and make pilgrimages to see live tapings (oxymoron?) of her show. All I know is that she is the face of the mind-numbing entertainment that we like to call daytime television. I can't go three weeks without seeing her on the cover of some women's magazine in the checkout aisle of the food store, usually alternating between story lines of "Oprah: I'm Thin Again!" and "Oprah: I Can't Believe I Got Fat Again!" Now I'm sure she's produced plenty of quality programming in her day (mostly tear-jerking stories aimed at those with marginal control over their emotions, those times when she gives everyone in the studio a car, and Brownie of the Month Club meetings). But everyone's got to go at some point. So please Oprah, pack it in. Just think of all the extra free time you'd have to go restaurant-hopping with Kirstie Alley.