Burn Yourself Alive

Ticketmaster is indeed headed by Satan. You probably already knew this if you have ever purchased any ticket. Their fees continue to get worse and worse since their merger with Live Nation. Today my brothers I finally paid more in fees than for the actual tickets.

Ticket Price $5.00 x 6
Convenience Charge $5.85 x 6
Tickets/Items $65.10
Order Processing Fee $3.90
Standard Mail No Charge
TOTAL CHARGES $69.00

Only out of the kindness of their cold black heart did Ticketmaster not charge me for shipping. If I wanted to print the tickets out at home it would cost me $2.50 (If anyone understands this please let me know).

For those that don't know Ticketmaster makes all of its money on the charges and not the actual price of the ticket. So Ticketmaster is getting $39 in this case. Several lawsuits have been brought up that allege Ticketmaster is a monopoly. They have exclusive contracts with several venues and sometimes they are the only source to buy tickets (no box office). Exclusive contracts in general need to be banned but well save that for another time.

My fiercest complain with Ticketmaster lies in their presales that specifically make them the only place you can buy tickets first. If there is an event that might sell out you need to be in on the presale to give yourself at chance at decent seats. You have no other options but to pay the fees.

Most of us to not live down the street from the venue box office so we pay the fees online. My suggestion to you is that if an event is highly unlikely to be sold out buy your tickets at the box office and you will see no fee or a smaller fee (Comcast Spectacor charges $3 per ticket anyways and Jerry Jones charges full fees but includes them in the advertised price). If you are going to a concert and are getting general admission seats and the band is not Pearl Jam just wait. I realize this is hard to do when your excited for an event but it will save you some dough. I also urge you to scalp tickets more often because their actually are people with extras and the prices come down around the time of the event.

Why ESPN Sucks

Corporate Whores-ESPN has an advertisement in every section of Sportscenter. Coors Light Six Pack of Questions, Budweiser Hot Seat, Bud Light Freeze Frame, Gatorade Ultimate Highlight. All these segments are garbage anyways and are manipulated on what is supposed to be a news show for the sake of corporate sponsors.

Neil Everett- The guy has an irritating voice. 2-1 the troll still can't get any even though he's on TV.

Flavor in broadcasts- Yes, Dan Patrick and Keith Oberman did it very well. But show us a goal, TD, basket, point, or homer without a "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" once, and we will send you a shiny dollar in the mail. Everyone tries to be like the originals, but instead come off as jackasses. Hat tip Mgoblog

Sideline reporters - For some reason they have been deemed useful but rarely do they even add anything to the game. Sure Erin Andrews shes hot blah blah. I don't care. I prefer my sex appeal and sports separate. You know church and state.

Pam Ward- If there is someone who is a worse announcer on national TV, let me know. Otherwise the bashing continues. She should be doing WNBA games permanently.

Women's basketball doesn't equal men's basketball. I don't need Uconn women's basketball in primetime. I'm not watching ESPN to glory in the equality of women. Apparently ESPN doesn't realize that they don't have to adhere to Title IX.

Skip Bayless- The guy would yell at a toddler and accuse him of being lazy. He has been a mainstay on ESPN in the afternoon for talking louder than you.

ESPN Original Entertainment- Two minute drill was cool. Season on the Brink, Junction Boys, Beg, Barrow, and Deal, and so on suck.

Mike Golic-"I don't think he is qualified to read the morning announcements, let alone co-host a radio show"HT: EDSBS. It's amazing that Bob (Saved by the Bell College Years) and Mike Golic broke into the entertainment industry.

Synergy- Promo the games you have the rights to while barely mentioning the big games on in other places, no matter how important they might be. Push your product over THE GAME. Vile corporate entertainment thinking that yields little but viewer disgust. HT:EDSBS

Sportstainment! The concept of the idea that sports isn't entertainment all by itself. Consider them pieces of evidence in one long indictment of Disney's attempt to force ESPN into becoming the story, not the medium.

E! Television. See Tiger Woods. ESPN has become like every other crap gossip show.

ESPN the Magazine: Although I hear its in two ply now

ESPN Insider- I am curious to hear who actually pays for this. Is Merril Hodge's insight into the Bills-Jags game that important.

Experts- Everyone with a microphone is an expert. Experts pick. Let's here what the experts have to say. Fuck that.

PTI- Not for the show itself, but for its shambolic impact on ESPN programming, which now features argumentative elements in even the least confrontational formats. HT: mgoblog.com

Mel Kiper Jr- His expert analysis on quarterbacks consists of saying he can throw the football. Gee Mel thanks that's dynamite. The guy is so arrogant and often infuriates me.

Mark Shapiro- He's currently running Six Flags into the ground as CEO. He previously derailed ESPN. He is largely responsible for the garbage TV you see today like Around the Horn.

ESPN Hollywood: Do we really care where the show is done? Does it add value to the broadcast?

Surely you can think of more but this is starting to take too long.

Things/People That Are Not That Funny

Network TV- Seriously is there anything on ABC, NBC, CBS, or FOX that is worth watching for laughs? Maybe Two and a Half Men? I'll still pass due to 9 minutes of commercials. I find the laugh tracks themselves annoying enough as it is. Let me decide what is funny please. If I laughed every time the laugh track played I would die of a heart attack.

Preston and Steve- This is the highest rated radio show in the Philadelphia area. It tries to appeal to the masses and is not really edgy or humorous. It is a generic show at this point. Steve in particular brings little to the table. The show was better on Y100 before it became commercialized and generic. At this time the bizarre files were funny.

Super Bowl Commercials- This one even the masses would have to agree are not funny. You are not missing anything if you get up during the commercials of the game. It's been a few years since Budweiser brought anything to the table.

Dane Cook- I won't go as far to say that he has never done anything humorous but what about him is appealing. He certainly has not earned his success and I don't understand why he is in movies. The things the ultimately gets me is that he was forced down my throat for 4 years of college by people who had no clue who George Carlin was.
"Hat tip to the entire readership"

Jon Stewart- I find Steven Colbert to be the superior of the fake news shows to the point where I don't even bother with the Daily Show at this point. Least be the fact that Jon Stewart is overwhelmingly a Democrat far beyond the point where its a act. Colbert is humorous when he plays the Republican role.

Surgeon General's Warning

Peering out the office window on a cold and dreary winter afternoon, I can't help but snicker at the crowd of poor saps huddled outside the building. They are always there at their regular intervals, not because they are locked out, but because they're smoking.

Maybe I'm going to offend a lot of people, but if you were born circa 1975 or later and you smoke, well, you my friend, suck. It's one thing if you're from an older generation when smoking was pretty much a universally accepted practice. But if you grew up in the mid '70s or later, as the anti-smoking movement really gained legs (although the United States banned cigarette TV commercials in 1971), you have no excuse to be a smoker besides the fact that you are a weak person.

Be honest. You started smoking in high school or maybe even in college, as a way to rebel against your parents and try to be cool. And maybe it worked. Maybe it made you cool in high school and launched a series of events that got you to second base on your prom night. And now you can't stop. Now you're spending 8 bucks a pack. Now you're told to get the hell out of the bar if you want to light up. Now the value of your property plummets if you smoked inside on a regular basis. Now your insurance rates are higher. Now you can't seem to get up and down the basketball court in those pickup games quite like you used to, and you always feel a bit extra tired. Now your clothes stink and your voice is starting to get raspy.

"Oh, but I have a stressful job, I need it to relax." Riiiiight (you know, you could try working out a few times a week to alleviate that stress, but you're too tired for that, yes?). "Oh, it's ok, I only have a few when I'm drunk." Uh-huh. You were weak then because you started smoking as an all-out effort for short-term social status, and you're weak now because a.) you can't admit to such things, and b.) you can't commit yourself to quitting. I love how these morons in my office, the vast majority of whom blow at their jobs as it is, take 30-45 minutes out of their day to bundle up, go out into the piss cold of January, and slowly kill themselves. So you're that committed to your little habit that you'll go through such measures just to knowingly harm yourself, but somehow finding it in you to kick said habit is "too tough?"

I find it even funnier (and by funnier, I mean terrible) when a woman gets pregnant, valiantly manages to not smoke for 9 months, and then practically has the lighter ready the second that baby is popped out of there. So let me get this straight - you were motivated enough to not harm your yet-to-be-born baby as it grew inside you for 9 months, but not motivated enough to keep from subjecting it to secondhand smoke thereafter?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start working on opening up a hot chocolate/coffee/donut stand right next to where all the aforementioned Mensa members congregate outside the office. If everyone else is making money off of these shitbirds, then I might as well too.

License and Registration, Please - Part Two

Yesterday we looked at my rudimentary solution to the "crowded gym full of January piss-ants that are either 20 lbs overweight or 20 lbs underweight and don't know what the hell they're doing in any regard" issue. Today we'll apply the same principle to golf. I totally respect why certain upscale courses won't let players above a certain handicap play. Of course that's totally unfair to do everywhere, but some form of education/licensing system would be very beneficial. It wouldn't have to be rocket science, just play a few pitch and putt rounds (with either a knowledgeable friend or family member as your "sponsor" or with a golf equivalent of a personal trainer), learn the nuts and bolts, pass the short written test, and you've got another shiny little card for your wallet.

I'm lucky to have been taught the game at a very early age (6) by my father, and I will say right away that most people are not in that boat - they teach themselves, or pick the game up as a teenager just for shits, or get mildly into it as an adult partially because a lot of their friends play.

However, once you pull into the parking lot of an honest-to-God golf course, the question of where/when/how you began playing is moot. If you do not adhere to the game's written rules of etiquette and do not engage in "Ready Golf" (outlined impeccably by John I here), then you, yes YOU, are harming those who plunked down decent money and chose to invest 3-4 of the precious non-working, non-sleeping hours out of the week on the condition that the game will be played correctly and respectfully.

Since John I explained "Ready Golf" from atop Mt. Sinai already, I need not go too much further into its detail. And since standard golf etiquette can be Google'd (or better, Wikipedia'd), I need not delve extensively into that. But I must point out specific, common-sense type issues that will trim valuable time off of your round, get you into a better rhythm (spelled it right on the first try!), and maybe, just maybe lower your scores.

--The first player in the group to sink the ball on a hole is responsible for replacing the flag stick after all others are done. Grab it quietly after your putt and hold it, waiting for the others to hole out.
--ALWAYS have a spare ball on you. The group behind you will scorn your whole family if they see you searching fruitlessly for a ball in the weeds or trees, and then run 50 yards back to your cart to grab another ball so you can take your drop. Cardinal sin.
--Practice is for between rounds, not during rounds. If you need to take a practice stroke or two on a delicate pitch shot or an awkward putt, fine. But otherwise, no practice swings. I mean it. Try not taking practice swings the next time you play - I guarantee you that you will not throw up a horrid number and that the world will not end either. But you will shave incredible time off your round and may even find it a more effective habit. Too often, people waste their good swings on practice strokes, only to top that 6-iron into the drink anyway. See ball, align with target, center yourself, deep breath, swing. That's it. I know the pros on TV take practice swings, but they also post 67s on championship courses like you or I break wind. Until you're THAT good, no practice swings. At least pretend to be an athlete and have some muscle memory.
--Always be looking behind you. This especially applies on weekends and other busy days. If you shank your tee shot into a brush while a foursome is standing with their arms folded at the tee box behind you, have another ball on you (remember?) and look for your original for about 30 seconds before just taking a drop and moving on. Penalty stroke or no penalty stroke depending on whether or not you would have had to punch back out into the fairway if you ever did find your tee shot.
--On the green, always ask a person with more than a 10 foot putt if they want you to tend the flag. I still remember a guy who once pulled the stick on a par-3 when I was 50 feet out and instead of asking if I wanted it tended, just dropped it on the fringe and ambled over to his own ball. Yeah don't worry pal, this 50-foot snake job just might as well be a gimme anyway. I now have a voodoo doll of this asshat.
--Head on a swivel when about to hit the gas on the cart. You don't want to be gunning it in the golf cart right in the middle of someone else's backswing or putt. If necessary, wait a moment before going if someone within 100 feet or so is about to play a shot.
--Understand that walking renders you a second-class citizen. Most places will only allow walking during off-peak hours anyway, but if you don't want to have to constantly be letting people play through, then pony up the extra cash for a cart.
--And, for the last time, TURN THE DAMN CELL PHONE ON SILENT AND DON'T TAKE IT OUT OF THE BAG. If a call is that important that you need to take it (or worse, make it) on the course, then you shouldn't be playing golf today anyway. It's good to have in case of an emergency and that is it.

That's all for today without making this segment unbearably long. Remember, the less time on the course usually means the better round you've had. You don't have to be a scratch player to get 18 holes in under 4 hours. My old man and I have had plenty of 2.5-3 hour rounds in which neither of us broke 90. And if you need any further motivation, playing smarter gets you to the 19th-hole beers in less time as well.

Tomorrow, we take a look at casino gambling in the final part of the series.