C'Mon Man!

Every now and then you have to give ESPN its due, and I'll gladly say the "C'Mon Man!" segments during Monday Night Countdown are pretty funny. For those who did not watch the video I linked to, "C'mon Man!" is something of a blooper reel from the previous day's NFL games, in which each studio guy points out someone who did something stupid, goofy, annoying, or all of the above. Every time I see the segment, I feel obligated to relate it to recent people and happenings from my life and all of our lives. So, here goes:

-The Princeton Junction NJ Transit station, for giving me a $60 parking ticket for parking in the farthest stretch of their lot, in off-peak hours while all the permit holders already had a spot and there were about 100 empty spots left over. C'mon man!
-Jason Garrett and his "I went to Princeton and I want to remind you guys every chance I get how smart I am" approach to playcalling. C'mon man!
-Whoever the decision-makers are behind 75% of this year's especially terrible political commercials leading up to Election Day. C'mon man!
-Roger Goodell and the NFL's higher-ups, who in one breath tell you the game has gotten too dangerous, and in the next breath tell you the regular season should be 18 games long. C'mon man!
-Anyone I've been stuck behind on a golf course in the past 5 months. C'mon man!
-The guy who eats tuna from the can at work and stinks up the whole floor. C'mon man!
-The AL and NL Central, whose champions each got swept out of the Division Series (even though I wasn't rooting for either of them). C'mon man!
-Dudes who do curls while standing in a squat rack. C'mon man!
-Javier Vazquez, AJ Burnett, and pretty much every Yankee pitcher not named Andy, CC, Phil, Kerry, or Mariano. C'mon man!
-Dallas area sports fans and Cowboys season ticket holders, for allowing the Cowboys-Bears game in Week 2 to be played in front of 35-40% Bears fans. C'mon man!
-Anyone who plays softball and yells "left foot!" when a left handed batter comes to the plate. What the hell is "left foot?" That's the stupidest goddamn thing I've heard in my life. C'mon man!
-People who change lanes in a tight spot without signaling. C'mon man!
-Vinny from Jersey Shore acting like a total sucker for that Ramona girl in Miami. She had a body like a 10 but a face like a Yogi Berra 1953 game-used catcher's mitt. C'mon man!
-Anyone who buys jewelry from a store such as Jared, Kay, or anywhere else that makes those putrid commercials that will be consistently polluting my TV for the next 8 weeks. Buying jewelry is fine. Buying from one of those stores? Not fine. You are not only indirectly supporting those commercials, but you are also potentially contributing to more of this utter garbage down the road. C'mon man!
-Those who have lived in the Northeast their whole lives yet still react as if the next Ice Age is imminent once November hits and we see highs of less than 60. Not only does this happen every year, but two months from now you'll be killing for this kind of weather. C'mon man!

Sh*t I Don't Understand: Bumper Stickers

Let me first say that I have no problem with self-expression, as long as it doesn't encroach on those who are simply minding their own business. After all, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia. But that being said, there are numerous opportunities to express oneself among all the ins and outs of our lives, so why do so many people feel compelled to adorn the back of their cars with bumper stickers? Is it some form of illicit obligation to let everyone who drives behind you get to know you a little bit? Or is it the feeling that your hobbies, habits, and viewpoints are so cool and/or unique that you must, MUST share them with the world?

There are three things I care about and absolutely need to know when it comes to the driver of the car in front of me: if they are intent on turning left or getting over to the left, if they are intent on turning right or getting over to the right, and if they are on their brakes. That's all I ever need or want to know, and there happen to be these fancy blinking lights on the back of cars that indicate these very facts. Anything else is superfluous and an outright waste of my concentration.

I don't care what teams you root for. I don't care what bands you like. I don't care what radio station you listen to. I don't care who you plan to vote for in an upcoming election. I don't care who you voted for in any past election (a hot-air gun and a sharp thumbnail are all you need to take down that Kerry/Edwards 2004 sticker, folks). I don't care what your religion is. I don't care what nationality you are. I don't care that you'd rather be fishing. I don't care that your other car is a broomstick, so you say. I don't care if someone has dubbed you the "World's Greatest Dad." I don't care if you are a "Jersey Girl." I don't care that you love your bullmastiff. I don't care that there's a baby on board. I don't care if your car climbed Mt. Washington. I don't care if you ran a half-marathon or a full marathon. I don't care that you've been to OBX. I don't care what shore you go to. I don't care what college you attended or presently attend. I don't care what school your children attended or presently attend. And I absolutely, positively, do not give one rat's ass if your kid is an honor student.

I'm not saying not to be proud of who you are and what you're about. I'm just saying to scale it back a bit. Loading your car up with bumper stickers makes you look like a sitar-playing hipster in addition to potentially hurting the car's value. Allow your actions, words, attitudes, and (to an extent) your sense of style paint the picture of exactly who you are. Shoving your persona into everyone's face via the back of your vehicle is the human-interaction equivalent of force feeding, and I, for one, would like to feel like less of a veal calf when I'm out there navigating our lovely roads.

The Inconvenience of Convenience

Technology is a great thing isn't it? Our culture, and especially our generation, is just enamored with it. And no matter what facet of life you're dealing with, chances are there has been some sort of technological development in the past 20 years that revolutionized it. We have so many nicnaks and doodads designed to make every little step of our days that much more convenient. But I wonder, at what point do these added conveniences become counter-productive?

For instance, a few weeks ago I got a text from my sister, saying "Just read in People magazine that Feces Finding has a single out......thought you may be interested since you set up her stage." She was referring to a singer named Fefe Dobson who did a show at the day camp we both worked at back in the day (and yes, I did work on her stage). But did you catch that little error up there? I'm pretty sure if the actual name of the group were Feces Finding, they'd be targeting a whole different segment of the market. Alas, what happened was that her phone has an autocorrect texting feature that will change words it doesn't recognize (which is bound to happen with a lot of names) into words it does recognize. So "Fefe" became "Feces," a chuckle-worthy text blunder caused by a feature designed to make things more convenient.

These things are all over the place. Most colleges these days have an online file sharing system where professors can post assignments, grades, etc. and students can submit papers and homework electronically via a dropbox feature. This is all great, but is it really worth saving the trip to physically hand stuff in? And you don't even want to know what happens if the internet goes down and you can't get your assignments or submit your work before the built-in deadline. It's a shitstorm in a snow globe.

This is the world in which we trudge about our lives. You can't type a word on a computer anymore without spell check having a seizure on your screen. That supremely annoying Microsoft Office paperclip above has managed to gain the wrath of everyone born after 1970. It's great that we have cell phones with email capabilities, but isn't a by-product of those luxuries the fact that you are now accessible in many situations where you really don't want to be accessible (especially in regards to work)? Go into any public bathroom, and you have those automatic-flushing toilets, automatic sinks, and motion-detecting paper towel dispensers. How unreliable are these things? Don't you just love having to wave your hand in front of those things like a jackass to try to get them to serve their function in life? Half the time they're broken anyway, leaving a foul-smelling bathroom with no paper towels to be had.

There's nothing wrong with most uses of technology in an effort to make things more user-friendly. The problem occurs when all of a sudden we are relying on overly involved or complicated systems to do simple and mundane tasks. And why have such elaborate developments been made in some of the seemingly least necessary areas? To counteract human ineptitude, of course!

There is no need for a motion-detection system wired to flush a toilet. There is no need for a laser-powered viewfinder to tell to a golfer exactly how far he is from the hole. Nor is there a real need for an autopilot mode built into new cars to essentially parallel park themselves. But somewhere along the line, laziness and ignorance won out. Auto-flush toilets became necessary because enough people thought it was OK to not flush. Bad golfers with money to burn never grasped the concept of playing by sight, and decided that a handheld surveying system would somehow offset their terrible swing and lack of instincts. A demand for parallel-park assist developed out of the apparent staggering decline in humanity's ability to operate a motor vehicle. The examples go on, but I'd like to think I've made my point.

They Paved Common Sense, and Put Up a Parking Lot - The Drive-Through Edition

Maybe my expectations for this human race are just too high. Or maybe I'm just too observant for my own good. Either way, the epidemic of human beings without presence of mind or concern for others has now spread to the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through. Like many a corporate asshole, I like to stop by Dunkin' on the way to work most days for my commute coffee. On its best days, the drive-through is wonderful, you hardly even have to come to a complete stop. On its worst days, it is an exquisite portrait of human stupidity.

The mopes in the drive-through ordering breakfast for their whole office, or three different types of bagels that all need to be toasted, or 12 different types of donuts for a dozen, they are a very select group of people with the ability to make me laugh and curse at the same time. And on a side note, don't you just love the arrogant dildos that take 5 minutes just to describe how they take their coffee? "Um, yes, I'll have a medium, no wait, make that a large hazelnut with one and a half packets of Splenda and 2 ounces of 1% milk." One time I was behind someone who actually asked for one packet of Sweet & Low and one packet of Equal. What?! Are you serious?? I'd hate to be the poor guy behind the counter when that girl rolls up in her Prius thinking she's at her own personal kitchen. I'll bet he wishes (CAUTION: TOYOTA JOKE AHEAD) her car gets to acting like a lot of its brothers and sisters have lately.

Please, if your order is sizable, somewhat specialized, or requires any heating at all, go inside. You are defeating the purpose of the drive-through, the line is starting to spill back out onto the road, and everyone behind you is bemoaning your existence. And for the sake of everything that is Holy, PAY WITH CASH. If you won't listen to me, at least listen to George Carlin on the same subject (around the 9-minute mark). It is on this token that I'd propose to the Judicial Board of Common Sense a $5 limit on any drive-through order between the hours of 6:30-9 AM, Monday-Friday, as well as a restriction on ordering food items that require any sort of preparation or toasting and a cash-only rule during those same hours. The result? A drive-through line that keeps moving and doesn't stop for 10 minutes because some Big Bertha is up there buying half the store.

It is imperative to understand that not all drive-throughs are to be treated equally. Dunkin' Donuts is not McDonald's or Burger King, especially on a weekday morning. You are there to get in and get out, and the drive-through is just a measure taken to further streamline the process. At a regular fast food place, the drive-through is the norm if you are not intending to eat there, and no order of any size (within reason) is considered outrageous. You know why? Because the food is ready-made at those places; the preparation doesn't require much more than throwing the stuff into a bag. This is rarely the case at a Dunkin' Donuts, unless you're just getting a black coffee, a plain untoasted bagel, or a simple donut or two.

Think of a McDonald's drive-through as the left lane on a 40-mph road with a lot of traffic lights. Yes, you're technically there because you want to go faster, but in the end you know you'll never be going too much faster than everyone else anyway. The Dunkin' Donuts drive-through, on the other hand, should be thought of as the left lane on a freeway. It is plainly understood that you are there to get moving and stay moving, and those who will knowingly be going slow need to stay the hell out.

They Paved Common Sense, and Put Up a Parking Lot

Ever think about how much time we spend in parking lots? From tailgating before a game to just driving around looking for a place to park at work or a crowded mall, the time clocked in parking lots or garages adds up quicker than you'd think. So of course, if people spend enough time in a certain setting, there are bound to be a few annoying things going on. For tonight I'll point out three and then get back to not watching the Pro Bowl.

1. "Stay within the lines, the lines are your friends" - Remember this lesson that you learn while coloring in kindergarten? Well, the guy with the spanking new car must have forgotten it, because he's got his new puppy straddling two spots near the end of the parking lot, just to be totally sure that no one parks near him. Believe me pal, when you park that far away, it's never going to be terribly crowded with cars, so the option of actually parking within the confines of the painted stripes is not going to backfire on you. I know it's tough for you to not look like a self-important douche, but allow me to quote Tom Arnold in Austin Powers: just grab a hold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell. Come on, we're gonna get through this!

2. The domino effect of bad parking. This is a phenomenon in its own right that is only done justice by photographical evidence, but you know what I'm talking about. You get this a lot in parking garages with tight or diagonal spots. One person parks crooked or uneven (or both), which throws off the person parking next to them (because if they park evenly in their spot they won't have room to open the door and get out), and the next person, and so on and so on. So don't be that guy or that girl who throws off the entire row. Straighten yourself out, because you never know how karma will come back at you. Just ask this guy. (Not that it's related to anything, but who can pass up a chance at a Favre jab?)

3. If you are about to immediately walk indoors from the parking lot, take the sunglasses off. You may have to take a big leap of faith and just trust me on this one, but if you walk from the car to the building without your sunglasses on, I don't think you're going to get hounded by paparazzi. So unless you're about to spend an extended period of time outside once you get out of the car (i.e. you're tailgating, heading to the beach, or taking a walk around a park), leave the sunglasses in the car. The only other mitigating circumstance is if you expect to have to field a fly ball at some point between the car and the building. And since there usually aren't many dudes hitting fungoes at unsuspecting people in parking lots, we can rule that one out too. Although it does give me an idea to spice up the morning at work....