Well, I typically lambaste remakes. However, the "My New Haircut" remake craze on YouTube is just too tasty to resist. People with no lives have flocked to join this craze as if it were the western US during the gold rush. I too have packed my wagon and have gone west in search of gold. Recently, I had the idea of putting together an American Psycho rendition of our dear "My New Haircut". Without any further ado, I give you "Patrick's New Haircut":
Sussudio playing in background at a yuppie bar
You know what this is? This is my new $500 Christian Cora haircut. You know what that means? I'm getting two $1000 hookers tonight. My associates, they have the same haircut, they're getting $1000 hookers tonight. I have the best seating arrangement in here. I'm going to talk about my job to every piece of ass that comes through that door. I'm gonna talk about it until everyone knows I work on Wall Street for Pierce and Pierce. If they've never heard of it, they're fucking ugly bitches. (cut to scene of Patrick doing the "fuckin skanks" gestures except he says "fucking ugly bitches"). If one dickweed in here mistakes me for that dickhead Marcus Halbestram, I'm gonna return some videotapes.
Cut to scene of Patrick working out to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then freaking out when he's rejected by Dorsia's maitre dei
Cut to scene of Patrick in his office:
I'm in control! I'm in control baby. (picks up empty mineral water bottle) Fuckin mineral water! Where's the god damn mineral water Jean??? I told you to get me some mineral water!!! And limes!!! Fuck!!
cut back to fancy restaurant
Yes I do cocaine and psychiatric prescription drugs. I eat that for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't workout at a gym. People aren't worthy of seeing how jacked and tan I am. Every morning do my stomach crunches,I can do a thousand now.
Cut to scene of Patrick at his apartment
Back to bar
I'm gonna get high and have obscene fantasies of brutal, rough sex tonight. I'm drinking J&B straight and vodka on the rocks. J&B straight...I don't shower in thatshit. Because alcohol dries your skin out and makes you look older. J&B straight! J&B straight! J&B straight!