The Express Checkout Lane

Observe the posted item limit please.  I have to call a foul on all people abusing the express lane.  I am sick and tired of people taking advantage of the express checkout lanes in stores.  I have had enough of people sneaking in a few extra when I only have a handful of things to purchase.  They get in line in front of me, and take up MY time because they feel entitled to the express lane.  The sign does not say "8 or so items", it says "8 Fucking Items".  If you are in an 8 item lane, have no more than 8 items.  I don't care if you're a senior citizen, single mom, or if you're in a hurry.  Observe the express lane limit.  Who the fuck do you think you are getting in front of me with too many items?  What makes this situation worse is that the checkout people exercise no authority whatsoever in dealing with these atrocities.  The customer is NOT always right, especially when it comes to express lane abuse.  Something needs to be done to end this outrage.  I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand.  Across this line you DO NOT PASS!

I propose that limits be instituted on checkout lanes.  For example, suppose a particular checkout lane has an 8 item limit.  The cash register should be programmed to only ring up 8 items per receipt.  A customer would no longer be able to play dumb and go through there with an 11 item purchase, while I wait like a shmuck with my pack of razors and deoderant as some nitwit buys all their party supplies.  No.  The cashier would ring up the most important 8 items to the customer.  The customer would take all residual unpaid for items to the back of the line and wait their turn, or come back another day.  Do you see what happens?  Where there is no fear of consequence, there is no law and order.  People know they can get away with bullshit like this. Something must be done to stop it, I feel my solution is simple and practical. 

A Fan of Fair Weather

Surely you've heard some of the talk lately about the Super Bowl being played at the Meadowlands in 2014. It was somewhat of a big deal that the New York/New Jersey area was even allowed to submit a bid to host the game. I get the appeal of the greater New York area hosting the Big Game - after all, it is the media capital of the country, if not the world. And while I'm hardly averse to the Super Bowl spreading the jing around in terms of host cities, it would be in football's best interest that the idea of a Super Bowl in East Rutherford, NJ stays an idea and does not become a reality. A cold weather or foul weather Super Bowl, especially one in North Jersey, would be a cluster(rhymes with truck).

First, let me tackle the issue of playing the Super Bowl at the still-unnamed new Meadowlands Stadium. If any of you have ever been to that area, it is an absolute horror show when it comes to traffic and congestion. One of the most densely populated areas in the country, the New York suburbs on the Jersey side would overflow like a popped zit if the thousands of media members and fans that tend to show up during Super Bowl week were to descend upon the area. Even if a fair number of people avoid the shitstorm that is North Jersey roads by taking public transportation, we're talking about yet another system that is essentially already used to full capacity, plus I can't imagine many ego-driven media talking heads being willing to slum it on NJ Transit. Hotels would be a mess, with many media outlets not wanting to pay the higher rates to put its employees up in the city, thus leaving the relatively fewer amount of hotels within acceptable driving distance on the Jersey side booked to the gills. I can go on, but I think we get it. These are largely the same reasons that New York got denied the 2016 Olympics as well.

Putting the specific city aside, an outdoor Super Bowl in a cold weather city brings game-integrity issues into play. I know there is a faction of people who would love to see a Super Bowl played in snow or howling wind, but it's just not fair. This mainly comes into play with pass-first, speedy teams like the Cardinals and Saints of the past few years who would be expected to struggle in poor weather. You can throw the "but a team should be able to win in all types of conditions if it wants to call itself a champion" argument out there, but I have one problem with that. If you make it through the conference playoffs, you deserve your shot at the Lombardi Trophy in as even-keel a setting as possible, because you've already proven you can win in adverse conditions (if your team won a road playoff game along the way) or, you did well enough in the regular season to secure home field throughout the playoffs and thus the right to play "your type of game" all along. I love the elements in football as much as anyone else, but not for deciding the championship. The weather and field conditions should not tilt a Super Bowl matchup to the degree that it very well could if it were played outdoors in the North in early February.

Peter King made a point in his SI.com column this week (the first item on the linked page) that sealed the deal for me when it comes to this issue. Making an exception so that the Meadowlands can host the Super Bowl sets a precedent for all the other cold-weather NFL cities to lobby for a Super Bowl of their own. Do we really want to hear all these cities and owners clamoring for a Super Bowl? OK, I can see having one in Washington, that wouldn't be terrible, and maybe in Baltimore if for nothing other than the two weeks of references to The Wire it would provide. But how about Green Bay or Chicago? No, too damn cold. Pittsburgh or Philly? No. Denver, Seattle, or Foxboro, MA? No, hell no, and f*** no.

The NFL has to toe a line to to award the Super Bowl to a city each year that will not only present optimal playing conditions for the game, but also provide a nice setting (new, modern stadium, agreeable vacation-type weather, or at least a good party city) for the sport's biggest $howcase. There's a reason New Orleans and Miami seem to get one every 3-4 years, and Los Angeles would too if it still had an NFL team. It's for the same reasons that Jacksonville, Houston, and Minneapolis shouldn't hold their breaths waiting for another one to get thrown their way. Hate to say it, but hosting the Super Bowl is a party that us northern cities are not invited to, and it's for everyone's own good.

The Bracket: Final Four

#1 East Region Champion -Carrie Underwood

Natural beauty, all american girl. Self built, talented performer who can actually sing. Has her own money, so she would ask for any from you.
VS.
#1 South Champion -Heather Vandeven















Fitness is not an issue for her. She can run a 7 minute mile, served in the army, has a masters in nutrition. Yea she's a nude model mostly but seems to be more than just a body and a face.

The Bracket: Final Four

#3 Marisa Miller Midwest Champion

Marisa is certainly the most mainstream model in this competition. She is American too so bonus points and all. I don't really have anything else to say other than she's hot.

#3 Reese Witherspoon West Champion

Reese is one of the most respected actresses in the biz and is considered a bankable star. If you have never seen Walk the Line beware you can fall in love with her on screen. Avoid Legally Blond though or you might have to choke a bitch.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: Extracurricular Activities

Spring is descending upon us. There are four college basketball teams left standing, and at the start of next week the sweet sound of "Play Ball!" will be heard for the first time since November 4. Springtime also brings about a period of time I like to call Application Season. Ambitious and eager high school seniors are nervously awaiting the big envelopes in the mail from colleges all around the country, while reality-bitten college seniors are attending career fairs and beefing up their resumés in hopes of getting a job that has anything to do with the stuff they've been studying for the past four years. Both groups have had hammered into their brains the importance of extracurricular activities and how they "make you stand out." In the last installment of this series for the time being, I'd like to take a look at just how hollow all this extracurricular activity BS really is.

I'll put out the caveat out there first - I know that there are plenty of people who did tons of extracurricular stuff in high school and college and actually cared about them/put a great deal of effort into them. Those aren't the people I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who join a club just because it might look good on an application or resumé, as well as the people who actually evaluate said applications and fail to differentiate between the genuine and the bogus. Hell, we've all done it. I was in the French Club in high school, which entailed little more than signing my name on a piece of paper in French class and showing up to a 20-minute meeting 4 times a year, 3 of which I'd usually duck out of early to get to football practice or to the weight room.

That's part of my point. What does having an extracurricular activity on an application really constitute? It's impossible to tell from an evaluation standpoint. All colleges love seeing National Honor Society on applications, but all being in NHS in high school really meant was you got good (not necessarily great) grades, you were at least somewhat involved and didn't just go straight home after school every day, and you never showed up to school wasted and never got caught with weed in your car. For that you got a nice little yellow thingy to wear on your graduation gown and the right to slap a shiny "Member of National Honor Society" on your college applications. Riiiiight. I was in NHS for 3 years in high school and I think I've done more work cleaning my room than I ever did as part of that prestigious outfit. But yet, there it was in bold letters on all my applications back in the day.

What I hope is that college admissions offices and job recruiters understand is that not all activities are created equal. For instance, being on the bowling team in high school is not the same as playing a sport like football or wrestling. I shouldn't have to go further into that. In addition, some people turn themselves into flat-out hypocrites by their membership in certain clubs, like a few kids I knew who were in Students Against Drunk Driving (aka S.A.D.D.) in high school and ended up getting DUI's. I guess you weren't paying attention at those meetings, were you? But hey, maybe your days spent as a member of S.A.D.D. will score you some points with the DMV when you try to get your license back!

The extracurricular activity garbage is a flaw of a system where a large number of candidates must be considered in a small amount of time. It's impossible to personally get to know everyone who is applying to your school or your company, so you have to take as many things into consideration as you can, especially when the top factors (GPA, test scores, prior work experience, etc.) are a wash. But it doesn't sit well to think that a group of decision makers are sitting at a table somewhere saying, "OK, we're down to two candidates for this position. Applicant A and Applicant B have similar grades and numbers, but Applicant B helped start up the Scott Baio Fan Club at his college! That's got to make him a better employee than the other guy. I think we have our winner right there, our work here is done! Who's got the first round at Happy Hour?"

But I guess that's the world we live in. I pledged with a guy who treated our fraternity as just another resumé builder and pretty much disappeared once we got in. Sure, he got himself into medical school, but to me that's not worth everyone disliking you and your name being a punchline for years, even after college is over. It's a blatant insult to all the people who bust their ass in earnest to be a part of something that's going to have value for a long time. In a perfect world, there would be a way to sniff out the mere "just a name on a list" people so they could get a big F-you from prospective employers and colleges. After all, who is bound to be more of an asset to a company or a school - a person who stays on the right track and gives full effort to the things he sets his mind to, or a system-manipulating weasel who uses his peers as stepping stones? Call me idealistic but I'd rather be genuine and give my best effort at a few things than go half-ass at a bunch of activities just so I can litter my application with papier-mâché.

Sh*t I Don't Understand: Shopping

Need any further evidence at all that males and females are different species? Look no further than the shopping mall. We all need to go to the mall at some point, whether it be to buy holiday or birthday presents, or some new work clothes, or (gritting my teeth) shoes. Some people treat this consumer experience as a necessary evil, a pain-in-the-ass of an afternoon that can not end quickly enough. Others, well, they treat this as a sacred pastime. They're not just going out to "buy stuff." No, they're going shopping, which is a totally different animal - an animal that I just do not get.

Go to the profile of any female friend you have on Facebook and there are good odds that her interests will include "Shopping!" They even have shopping uniforms. Uniforms, you say? Think about it. You can imagine thousands of girls with money to burn going through the same checklist on a Saturday afternoon before hitting malls all across the country. Uggs? Check. Sweat pants? Check. North Face fleece? Check. Gigantic sunglasses? Check. Starbucks latté? Check. And there you have it - the shopping uniform.

It's not merely the act of buying things that they really love. We could only wish it were that simple. It's the chance to spend time with these luscious items that are most likely not needed, the chance to waste a salesperson's time trying on those $500 shoes you're never going to buy just so you can amble around a store for 4 minutes pretending to be Blake Lively. It's the chance to earn bragging rights with your friends (and rivals) that you got that same pair of jeans for $5 less than they did. It doesn't matter that you spent 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot, wrestled your way through a crowd of people at the clearance rack because you scouted the location the night before and knew exactly where that pair would be, waited for a half hour in line under one of those 125-degree store lighting systems, and will spend at least another 20 minutes trying to get out of the damn parking lot. No, that doesn't matter at all. "So what if I wasted an entire afternoon? Don't you understand, I got the same pants as Jamie, for $5 less! That bitch is gonna freak out! This is gonna be great!!!!!"

It's a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario, but just look at how products aimed toward females are marketed; they have the tireless shopper eating out of their hands. Go into a womens' shoe store or a Bath and Body Works, and you see about 9,000 variations of the same product. The funny thing is, it's all in an effort to attract people who already own the very things in the store. "Oh, I already have 15 pairs of black heels, but isn't this pair just to die for? And oohhh, look at this new chamomile-mocha-raspberry-apple body lotion! I already have gallons of the chamomile-mocha-raspberry-orange body lotion, but I have to have this too!" Who on earth needs all this garbage? No one, in actuality. But who on earth is under the impression that they need all this garbage? Enough people to keep these places in business, apparently.

In a chain of work emails that have been since lost in the mix, I was able to confer with the blog's close friend Ryan on a topic just like this one. He put it perfectly: shopping, in many ways, is a competition for women. They not only compete with each other, but with themselves. It's the challenge of walking into a mall or shopping center and seeing how much you can buy at a supposedly reduced price. To them, missing out on a sale is like being that guy who loses $200 gambling in AC on the same night all his friends win $200 each - it's a bang-your-head-against-the-wall feeling. Collecting items is the game, and shopping is how it's played.

I'm not saying men don't shop, but when they do it is with a plan and purpose, because there is undoubtedly a game on TV to get home and catch. That's one of the major differences - for women, shopping is the game, it is the entertainment, so to walk and look around aimlessly is just a way to further enjoy it. That's why you see many women go out to buy a new leash for their dog but end up coming home with so many new clothes you'd think she were going on a third world relief mission.

Now, men can be guilty of aimless store-wandering at times, but we do so when we're surrounded by golf clubs, baseball gloves, and bats. I haven't played competitive baseball in 10 years but you better believe I'm checking out the bat rack in a sporting goods store when I walk by it. But there is a major difference: we don't hold it against the opposite sex for not being willing to share this experience with us. We don't care. The fact you don't view the baseball glove wall at Dick's the way we do is A-OK. If anything, it just means you're normal. But women? Oh man, can some of them get pissed off if their husband or boyfriend doesn't enjoy shopping with them. You never, ever see those roles reversed in a relationship. Can you picture a bunch of dudes sitting at a bar and one guy is like, "yeah, man, my girlfriend didn't want to go help me pick out a new sand wedge, I'm so mad at her." I sure can't. And ladies, it's a sad truth but I'm not going out on a big limb by saying if you have yourself a man that actually enjoys shopping with you, then you have yourself a gay man, whether he has come to such a realization or not.

The Bracket: Elite 8

Midwest

#1 Sloan Defeats #4 Sharapova and #2 Kelly Kelly #3 Marisa Miller

#1 Sloan vs. #3 Marisa Miller

West

#1 Miranda Kerr defeats #12 Hilary Duff and #3 Resse Witherspoon Defeats #10 Stacey Kiebler

# 1 Miranda Kerr vs. #3 Resse Witherspoon

East

#1 Carrie Underwood defeats #4 Lisa Ann and #6 Gemma Massey defeats #2 Audrey Bitoni

#1 Carrie Underwood vs. #6 Gemma Massey

South

#1 Heather Vandeven defeats #4 Giada and #2 Cheryl Cole defeats #14 Isla Fisher

#1 Heather Vandeven vs. #2 Cheryl Cole

So there have been some tough decisions and naturally I would like to have some people back in the competition. The toughest decision this round was Kelly Kelly vs. Marissa Miller. No voting this round. That will be back for the final four. Who do you think will advance?

Things Grown Men Should Not Do: Snuggies

Purchase and wear a "Snuggie".

You cannot be serious, man!  These might be the almightiest pussy item of all time.  We have all seen the commercials for these stupid novelty comfort items. Wow, it's like a blanket and I wear it.  A grown man looks ridiculous in one of these things.  Wear a robe like a real man.  I severely doubt Hugh Hefner will be replacing his trademark robe with a Snuggie anytime soon.  It's bad enough people wear these things in their own home, it's infinitely worse when they are worn in public.  Do not let me catch you wearing a Snuggie to a ball game, so help me God.  Be a man.  Put on your long johns and North Face or Carhart gear if it's cold out. Snuggies are clearly chick items.  I believe it was a Cleveland Cavaliers game recently in which the team had a Snuggie giveaway promotion one night.  Every single fan in attendance received a complimentary Snuggie.  It was annoying to look at, all the while it was disturbing as well.  It looked like some sort of bizarre cult gathering.  20,000 people gathered in an arena wearing uniformly colored Snuggies, can you say Jonestown??? 

A man who wears a snuggie has completely sold out his manhood.  When I picture a guy wearing a snuggie, I see a man who walks his girlfriends poodle, has dark rimmed glasses, listens to dave matthews, dislikes golf, wears a backpack around the city, wears turtlenecks, and probably doesn't lift.  Snuggies are baggy, impractical, and make you look like some sort of wizard from Lord of the Rings or some shit like that.  They are for women who sit around drinking wine while eating Ben & Jerry's trying to determine which eat-whatever-food-you-want-without-exercise diet plan they want to go on next week. 

Legal Gambling

Previously I discussed the subject of investing for the first time at my old blog, it can be found here. Think of it as your starter kit.
Bill Capece is recent graduate of La Salle University in Philadelphia. After receiving a BS with the dual majors of Accounting and Finance. He loves stocks like some of us like sports. He has started a new website called Stocks Simplified. Bill answered a few questions to aid young investors.

What type of stocks do you recommend for first time investors (college and newly employed)? Price Range? Diversification?
It obviously depends on the situation. However, my rule of thumb is that if the investors need the money further down the road and want to invest, stick to blue chip stocks. This will allow for growth and a general understanding of investments. These should have market caps of upwards of $20 billion. Also, choose between 7-10 companies and spread those out over different industries with no more than one company in each industry. If the purpose of your investments is more liberal and the funds can be risked, stick to market caps between 500 million and 10 billion and buy about three to five stocks. Price range really isnt important because a good deal could be a stock worth $1 or $100. This will allow the investor to see fluctuations and really "experience" the market. Also, diversification is not necessarily a must. Keep a close eye on the investments and that should be enough.

What do you typically research when looking at a stock?
In looking for a worthy investment, I use stock screeners. I input parameters worthy of the specific sector and look at the results. Each company has three basic financial statements: Balance Sheet, Cash Flow and Income Statement. I listed these in order of importance. When anaylzing these remember that "cash is still king". Cash got Ford out of trouble when the others automakers declared bankruptcy; Cash held Genworth's (GNW) hand when it was trading below $1; and cash kept the banks/ financial system liquid. Net worth and working capital are very important items on the balance sheet and usually determine my initial interest in a company. To find net worth, take total assets and subtract all liabilities and goodwill. This will normally give a conservative estimate of corporate worth. To calculate working capital, subtract all current liabilities from all current assets. If both numbers are positive, move onto the cash flow and income statements. Combined with the number of shares outstanding, this quick glimpse allows me to determine whether further research is warranted. If so, pull their past 10k's and start reading! If not, disregard and move on.

What Analysts can be trusted?
All analysts can be trusted!- do the exact OPPOSITE of what they say! You'll be right every time. Investors tend to follow the pack. When an analyst issues a recommendation, it's too late to make your move. A "buy" recommendation says that the analyst should have recommended it before and is now making up for his/her mistake. A "sell" recommendation says the same, except the stock will be moving in the opposite diection. Think for yourself. Read what they have to say in order to keep your mind fresh, but generally dont listen to their advice. Buy when the stock is hated and sell when it's loved.

Websites to follow? to Avoid?
The only straight financial websites i recommend following are http://www.wsj.com/; http://www.ft.com/; http://www.stockssimplified.com/ They're the only ones I trust.
Avoid any website that promises to sell you a fool-proof product. One I recently saw promised returns of 1000%. Think about it...if their system was so great, why are they selling the secret? Shouldn't they be sipping martinis on their yatch parked off the cape of their private island?? Get the picture...

Would you recommend taking on a Car Loan for under 4% APR and investment in stocks or buying straight up?
I don't know why, but this made me laugh. Normally, i would say buy that car striaight up. However, I trully believe our generation will never see a market like this again for the rest of our lives. There are so many undervalued investments in the market that I'd be foolish to advise anyone to use their investment funds to buy a depreciating item. For the time being, take the loan and keep investing.

Summary: Stick to the fundamentals- they don't lie. Good Luck and Happy Investing

Odd Obsessions: Sleep

Sleep is very necessary.  Even I require some amount of sleep.  But how does one enjoy sleep?  You're unconscious.  You don't even know you're sleeping when you're sleeping.  Theoretically, this would mean you could enjoy open heart surgery while under anesthesia.  There is no difference between that unconsciousness and sleeping until 3:30 in the afternoon.  What is there to enjoy?  I don't get it.  Until I can control my dreams like in the movie Total Recall, I don't see the enjoyment in sleep.  Hopefully science can bring us to the point where we can dream about women with 3 breasts and Sharon Stone when she was still hot.  Think of the possibilities.   That would get me excited for some sleep.  Imagine after a long day, you could come home, watch a movie, ballgame, or do whatever the hell it is you do with your time.  Once bedtime rolls around, plug yourself into the old dream machine, and you could be taken upon whatever journey you want.  Am I the only person who is unsatisfied enough with their life to come up with these ideas?  In any event, I will not censor myself. 

Personally, I enjoy the feeling of being well rested in the morning after a good night of sleep.  Anyone who requires beyond 8 hours of sleep per night is a fucking weakling.  Sleepovers were difficult as a child because I would be the first to wake up, usually about 8 AM, then I would proceed to stare at the ceiling for 3 hours.  Excessive sleep does nobody any good.  It leads to becoming a coffee drinker, which is a subject that will be addressed in the future.  Who sleeps excessively?  Girls and fat people (often one in the same) seem to be particularly guilty of this.  Most girls have an exhausting day of bitchiness so they need their 10-12 hours to recover so they can be groggy when they get out of bed and have fresh bitchiness ammunition to start their day.  Fat fucks sleep excessively because they're bad people.   Their heavy breathing and such is quite tiring.  A solid ten hours of sleep is needed for them to have the energy to carry on their daily fat fuck duties of climbing stairs, getting into cars, getting out of cars, getting out of chairs, eating, being out of breath, and sweating for no reason.  I realize out of shape people have become a macguffin of sorts of this blog, but I simply cannot exploit them enough.  To get back on track and wrap up this post, sleep is not as good as you think.  Get your 6-8  and be done with it.  Do not bitch about lack of sleep, and do not tell me how much you love to sleep.  Live your fucking life, sleep when you're dead.