Monday, April 5, 2010

The Ultimate Golf Foursome

Recently a celebrity golf tournament took place in Windermere, FL. Tim Tebow, Bob Knight, John Daly, and Mike Leach were placed in a foursome. The winner of each foursome is entitled too $18,000 for a charity of his choice, everyone else will recieve $9,000 for his charity.

The hosts of the event asked each member what charity they will be play for

A sober John Daly: For fucksake I didn't have a drink all day because I really need this money and your telling me this is for charity?

Host: I'm sorry for the misunderstanding Mr. Daly but I informed your agent this was for charity.

Daly: Can I at least drink on the course?

Host: Yes we will bring you a couple of drinks

Host: Your charities sirs?

Knight: American Heart Association

Leach: Adam James Memorial Scholarship

Tebow: Uncle Dick's Philippine Orphanege Support ( That's real)

Leach, Knight, and Daly snicker.

Tebow: "I promise you one thing. A lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play in this tournement"

Leach: I guess well have to play our best to make sure some poor hodgie doesn't get a knife to his johnson.

Daly: I will be playing for.....the Human Fund.

Tee Off:

Knight: Hey John I bet you $100 that Jesus Freak over here can outdrive you.

Daly: Your On, I'm only one drink in Bob.

Knight: You will address me as Coach Knight, Mr. Knight, or General. Youtube Clip

Tebow: I really don't think you should gamble Mr. Knight.

Tebow, sporting an unortodox swing, drives first and hits the ball 285 yrds. Daly rips its over 300 yrds and lights his first cigar.

Daly (Still Sober): You can owe me.

Tebow: Smoking can kill you Mr. Daly.

Knight: It's a long day I'll make it back sooner or later, after all I'm the only one here who has steady paycheck so I can afford it. What are you up to nowadays Mike?

Leach: Coaching Spring Football for Pee Wees because damnit I want to coach. I don't have my daddy's legacy keeping my job.

Knight pulls his rifle that he keeps in his golfbag (he keeps in there just in case, ya know) and Leach draws a sword.

Tebow: Mr. Knight, Mr. Leach, you guys shouldnt use weapons.

Daly: You're right Timmy, I think they better put the weapons down and just make fun of your Christain Ass all day.

Leach and Knight are ammused and put away their weapons.

After 6 holes Daly leads Tebow by one stroke with Knight and Leach 6 and 7 shots back respectively.

Tebow is approached by two scantly clad women who are charging towards him after he sinks his putt. Natuarally he is unable to handle the blitz and is tackled by the women who begin disrobing and attempt to have their way with him. He is able to fend them off before they touch his no-no spot.

Daly: Whats the matter with you I haven't seen women like that since Cancun in 91. Don't you like women? Are you a fag?

Tebow: I love all creatures Mr. Daly, but the Lord does not condone such behavior.

Tebow can be seen kneeling in prayer as Daly, Knight, and Leach attempt to talk to the women. Daly is disgusted that the women are taken away by course officals.  He proposes a another bet with Coach Knight.

Daly (now working on a buzz): Coach, you have been driving the ball like a senior citizen all day.  I bet I can outdrive you off this beer can.

Knight: You call me a senior citizen one more time I take my Driver and shove it right up your fat ass. But your on.

Knight is out driven by Daly for another $100 dollars.  After 9 holes Daly leads Tebow by one.  Leach is 10 back and Knight is 12 back.

Daly tees off at hole 10 and decides to call it a day.  Leach and Knight decide to follow having had enough of the charity work. Tebow decides to stay on the course determined to win and contribute to charity.

Knight: I got your tab covered up to $200 John.
Leach: Shit that is not going to be enough to cover his acoholic ass.
Bartender: What will you have?
Daly(Pretty Drunk): I'll have a fifth of Jack.
Leach: Hot Toddy
Knight: Miller

John Daly is asked to give an interview and obligies 

30 minutes passes by and Tebow has turned in his scored card recording a 71 (-1) proving he is indeed infalliable. Tebow claims victory and heads to the clubhouse for some southern cooking. 
Leach: Timmy your back soon, decided to hang em up?
Tebow: No I finished my round and broke par
Leach: Fuck me.  How long we been drinking?
Knight: It can't be more 30 mins I guess you really are superman. 
Daly: What will you have Timmy?
Tebow: Arnold Palmer, please

Daly orders another having used his credit with Knight at this point.  He buys drinks for the boys and two of his signature John Daly's (Vodka, Ice Tea, Lemonade and Rohypnol) for two women at the bar.
Daly approachs the Women and calls for a ride.

10 minutes pass.  Daly is trying to close on his girl that is enjoying her drink. Meanwhile is having trouble with his girl. Suddenly Timmy colaspes when talking to Coach Knight.
Leach( 3:50 minute mark): Looking at the Woman says Fuck You, turns to Tebow and Says Fuck Me, and Fuck Everybody.

Bartender: Mr. Daly your ride is here.
Knight: We better grab Timmy and get to a hospital.
Daly: That won't be neccesary I think the bartender slipped something in the wrong drink
Knight: What the fuck are you talking about?
Daly: Roofied, it was meant for the other girl
Knight: You stupid fuck, well what do we do now?
Daly: Let's go to Mons Venus.
Leach: I got first lap dances.

Leach grabs Tebow and they load him into the town car and are driven to the World Famous Mons Venus.

The girls are all over a barely audible Tebow as soon he arrives like moths to a flame.  Smitten with the attention the group takes advantage of the girls attention to get some of their services.  As soon as they get what they need they instruct the girls to attack Tebow.  Suddenly Tebow touches his first breast unknowingly in a night of firsts for him. When he comes to in the morning the group explains what happened last night.

Tebow: All that stuff is for my image guys, I get more pussy than Tiger Woods.


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