Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The John I "Ha" System

Give credit where credit is due, and hold it back like candy from a fat kid when there is no damn reason to give it out. Text messaging and instant messaging are now a large part of daily life. Non-verbal electronic communication has it's share of downfalls, but it is a way to communicate with friends and family without the intrusion of a phone call. Texting is particularly useful for communication that isn't urgent, as well as sending jokes and busting balls. You receive a humorous text message and you respond with a "ha", or "haha, or "hahaha, or "hahahaha, or "hahahahaha, or "hahahahahaha, or "hahahahahahaha". How many Has are enough? Is any thought going into typing these texts? Is something really that funny to warrant a response of 7 "ha's"? Possibly.

It is time that humor be measured in units. Energy is measured in Joules, power in Watts, temperature in Degrees, therefore I decree that humor be measured in Has. What is a Ha? It's a unit of humor. I am tired of the ambiguity of humor. Humor needs to be quantified so that things, people, and jokes that are not particularly funny can be branded as such and put in their place. The system is quite simple really. The Ha System entails measurements of 0 Has, 1 Ha, 2 Has, 3 Has, and 7 Has. I am leaving out 4, 5, and 6 because it is splitting hairs at that point. 0-3 Has are mostly run of the mill jokes and ballbusting. Some of it is funny stuff, the lower grade 0-1 Ha stuff is really not funny at all. The 2-3 Ha range has a lot more to offer. There are no Gigahas, Nanohas, Megahas, Decahas, Centihas, etc. Humor is measured in individual Has. The Greek letter eta can be used to denote Ha in humor calculation. No fractions. Hopefully, people will not be confused since eta is already used to denote metric tensor in Quantum Field Theory, not to mention pseudorapidity in the field of Experimental Particle Physics. In any event, I am sure the scientific community won't mind me using their Greek letter.

0 Ha: No humor at all. Simply not funny. Directly comparable to absolute zero thermodynamics. If you receive a text that isn't funny, do not respond with any Has. Don't feel pressured into an obligatory HaHa. You might be encouraging the sending party to continue the stream of uninetersting texts.

1 Ha: Maybe the sender was set up for a generic joke or wisecrack. Maybe you got a "thats what she said" text. Typically just a lame effort at humor.

2 Has: The text made you crack a smile or chuckle. You can show appreciation for the humor by giving a Haha response. A Haha rating is appropriate where there was clearly some thought out humor. The sender did indeed use wit and some creativity. You will definitely feel it necessary to respond with a genuine Haha. The key here is that it is okay for both parties to continue on with the joke or ball busting that is subject to the rating. However, the chuckle is still only a chuckle.

3 Has: Pretty damn funny. The joke is so close to the big show that it can almost taste the glory. Legitimate laughter or suppressed laughter are the Key qualifiers for a Hahaha response. If you get a 3 Ha response, pat yourself on the back. It's like getting a solid B on a hard test. You're so close, yet so far away from that hard to reach 7 Ha rating

7 Has: You literally laugh aloud. Call it belly laughter. You drop everything you are doing to respond to this text. It's the kind of text you save to your phone. Whatever is getting the 7 Ha rating is fucking hands down hilarious.

LOL needs to be done away with. Lots of laughs? Laughing out loud? How is that measured. Lol is a meaningless fucking text, as is lololololololol. You're telling that person you are laughing out loud laughing out loud laughing out loud laughing out loud laughing out loud. Lol is simply uncivilized and improper.

This system does not apply only to texting. While it is used to quantify the humor one feels towards a text, it can be applied to other things such as people, jokes, movies, t-shirts, and what have you. From this day forth let it be known this is the official system for measuring humor.

No comments:

Post a Comment